and with sympathy, I know what it feels like to be one of those lost molecules. Each one is a thought, or feeling. An experience I’ve had in a moment of my life. Things I’ve only dreamed and others I wish I’ve had the opportunity to experience.

Is this how it feels?
There aren’t even words…
No place to begin….
The heartache that I feel,
knowing you see the World so bleak.
and knowing that I’ve lost my place,
I’ve finally stumbled and have fell.
But, who the hell am I? …

It hurts me to see you like this,
to know the thoughts that have run through your head…
To see a soul, crushing under the weight of the World…
I want to save you,
but I too am lost..
and I am sorry!
I’ve never mustered up the courage,
and that’s why I’ve lost my will.

but, you are my eyes,
and I am the body they’re perched upon.
You are the muse,
and I am the courier that must release the storm.
My thoughts are incomplete,
more of a feeling than having any meaning.
but please,
wake up for me…
Open your eyes.
See what’s sacrosanct.
The crushing weight isn’t worth retaining,
although I know it’s so familiar.
Your souls been left throughout a drought,
but the dreary daffodils will return to life with care.
If my tears will wet the soil enough,
i’ll pray that it rains down until the void is filled.
because we are the only thing that ever made sense.

1. The Accidental Creative
   http://www.accidentalcreative.com

   It is the age of creativity and “cover bands” don’t change the world. You MUST find your unique voice if you are going to thrive in the create-on-demand world. At Accidental Creative, we are “freedom fighters for the creative class.” In these podcasts we address real-life issues for creative professionals.

   Besides this free podcast, the Accidental Creative also offers a premium service subscription with 3 or more podcasts per month and access to their entire back catalog of 100+ podcasts.

2. The Business Side of Music
   http://thebusinesssideofmusic.libsyn.com/              

   This is a monthly podcast series geared towards empowering all musicians to understand the music business from the ground up.

3. APM Film & TV Music
   http://pressroom.apmmusic.com/pr/apm/info/APM-Film-and-TV-Music-Podcast.asp

   All about composing and licensing library music for use in film, television, trailers, promos, video games, new media, radio and more. Sponsered by APM, a premier provider of production music services.

4. Pandora Presents… the Musicology Show
   http://blog.pandora.com/podcast/

   If you’ve never heard of Pandora, it’s a great service to expose you to new music. It plays simular material based on a band or artist you like, with the connections having been analyzed by real people. If you haven’t tried it out, you can now, at www.pandora.com. The Musicology Show is an excellent Podcast presented by Pandora.

   Musicology presents ten-minute insights into music writing, performance, and production. Pandora’s host Kevin Seal and his guests perform live in the studio to show how they write and record their songs.

   “Ever wonder how a band creates its unique ‘sound’, or what makes a particular song so distinctive?”

   “As we spend our days dissecting tracks for the Music Genome Project, it occurs to us that most people don’t get to hear songs before they’re finished. We thought it might be interesting for folks to learn more about what goes into songwriting. This show is our attempt to give you an inside look at the techniques musicians use to put their signature on the music they write and perform.”

5. Music Business Radio
   http://www.musicbusinessradio.com/

   Music Business Radio is a syndicated, weekly, one-hour specialty program spotlighting the inside workings of the music business.

   The show is hosted by music marketing expert, consultant, and author, David Hooper, and features interviews with various industry professionals giving the listener their insight and expertise into the business. Our wide-ranging guest list include Grammy Award winning producers, artists, musicians, and songwriters…as well as, record executives, promoters and artist managers.

   Un-predictable and un-scripted, informative, and always entertaining! A “must listen to” for anyone interested in music. That’s how audiences are describing Music Business Radio.

What are some of your current favorite podcasts for informative content?
I’m interested, let me know. :)
Thanks.

Each step seems like it’s headed uphill,
but I can no longer stand to be still.
The days pass away like seconds to a year,
nothings left inside, but tears…
and
Lonely shadows, hidden in silence,
with nothing left in their defense.
I can’t lie in this river, drowning,
or wake up again, with my heart pounding.

I feel my cells depart,
waiting for this life to start. 

It’s been a thousand years
since music’s filled the atmosphere.
All my yearning is incomplete,
as days go by, they’re bittersweet.

Too many ideas, left in my head,
Too many words, left unsaid.
Destiny’s been leaving me behind,
with my sight fading, until I’m blind.

The life of people like me,
goes on, until it’s taken by insanity.
we’re just searching for truth.
Yearning for youth.

Everything I’m directed towards, sprawls out and upward like the branches of a tree. My path, too ubiquitous for my own good. It feels as though I’ll never be sated, until I can reach out across those branches and hold every single one them in a single grasp.

I’ve been writing code for almost four days straight for Octava. I feel like my brain should have grown 10-sizes larger in the last week. I also feel like just kicking back and watching some movies, to numb my mind and just relax for a bit.

I have iTunes open at the moment and I’m listening through my Top 25 Most Played. :) I’d highly suggest the album KiloWatts & Vanek – Focus & Flow, if you haven’t heard it. You can get it through their website. There should be more electronic music like this in the World.

Sorry I’ve been gone for so long. I promise to write.

Let me know what you think. Thanks. :)

Instead, I made a pencil drawing tonight to share. I wanted to be an artist when I was a little kid, but I haven’t drawn hardly anything at all since I was in school. I want to do small creative things like this from day to day…

814

Polaroid kiss’s first performance

The audio is hard for people to make out which song it is.
Click here to listen to a sample of Love in Transition.

Here’s another video of me and Tim setting up for a show at The Trapp Door.

Tim and Earl

I think I was putting a 9volt battery into a DI Box. lol.

All fields of the standard model and gravity are unified as an E8 principal bundle connection. A non-compact real form of the E8 Lie algebra has G2 and F4 subalgebras which break down to strong su(3), electroweak su(2) x u(1), gravitational so(3,1), the frame-Higgs, and three generations of fermions related by triality. The interactions and dynamics of these 1-form and Grassmann valued parts of an E8 superconnection are described by the curvature and action over a four dimensional base manifold.

Read more about it on newscientist.com.

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The screams are being muted and it’s becoming easier to turn a blind eye. I’m falling down into the mundane. No sentences have been written, even to rearrange. No one’s listening and I’m still afraid of what they might say.

I feel I must write, like a flood gate of lies can no longer be held in, because the accumulation of guilt had grown so large that the lies must eventually be let go. Letting go, drenches the fields and replenishes the land and adds flavour to the taste buds of the jaded and hungry souls.

I must, for my own sanity! I’m dieing inside, every second I’m afraid. I’m alive when I can admit to you that I can see the sporadic hope for desperate and weary souls. I hear, like whispers stirring silently up from my unconscious, things more powerful than I have been capable of comprehending, just waiting to be born. Every day of my life I’ve been preparing and soon, I’ll no longer have the choice to deny the right to passage.

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Tonight I have my rig over at Mandy’s and I’m preparing my patches and learning my parts for Stop Motion. For the last little while I’ve had a mobile studio I’ve been dragging around with me everywhere. We practice again tomorrow evening.

It was good to hear the music performed with us all together and it was also sort of exciting. We only had enough time to get through White Lines a few times. The other night and this morning I only had enough time to prepare my synth patches for White Lines, so I will have my patches ready for Love in Transition the next time and probably another song or two’s backing tracks prepared. I’ll practice a bit more by my self tomorrow and bring a hardware compressor and EQ to use with Tom’s vocals. Brandun will be recalling the original guitar and bass effects so that it sounds as close as we can get it to the original.

PK is in search of a drummer in the Salt Lake City, UT area for live shows. We have a show quickly approaching and may have to perform the first show without a drummer. If you have pretty tight timing, are into it, and have access to electronic triggers preferably with sampling capabilities so that we can give you the proper kit sounds, get in contact via MySpace. Thanks.

I’m over at Mandy’s right now. She’s asleep and I’m up working on putting this site together. I’ve moved all my old blogs and the sparse collection of newer ones since 2003 to this new site. It’s not public yet, but I’m working on it. Sorting through all the photos and entering the most accurate dates for the images that I can find. So I should have quite a huge collection of photos on here, once I start posting new photos. I don’t really take photos like I use to, but maybe I can get back into it again. I will go through and add past entries and sets of photos that I’ve never released in blogs previously.

Tomorrow (Actually today, since I’m not on normal people schedule), Polaroid Kiss starts practising for upcoming gigs. I’ll be playing synthesizers for them. I have to stop by my house and grab some equipment, load it up. I also should go through some files to help prepare my parts, so I can have the sounds I need loaded up and ready to play. I think most of the day will be preparation work rather than a full practice session. Preparing set lists and deciding on what parts who will perform, ect..

I am going to start a production blog soon, which will contain some engineer type tests I’ve been doing on various different plug-ins, ect.. I might possibly also add some information about the DSP stuff that I dabble in. Might be interesting.
:)

I bought a Rico Vegan Chili Verde burrito tonight from Smith’s, although I’m not Vegan, I like to try new things. Grabbing something to eat sounded like a good idea, but I was too tired by the time I got back home. I just threw it in the freezer.

I gave Matt the project files today for the song me and him had been working for as an artist track for FIXT. He’s going to try writing some lyrics on his own.. I haven’t been inclined to write much music lately. The dry spell hits again when you least expect it, that’s why you have to get things done when your feeling it, because it’s really easy to lose it..

I have however been putting a lot of work into my synth emulation, which could potentially prove profitable in the future, if it will be legal for me to sell it. I need to see if I can find information on the legalities or if it’s possible to get a license from Roland and if it’s worth it. Otherwise, I suppose, at least I’ll have a wonderful softsynth for myself and some friends . I’ll also have a bunch of algorithms and the experience to transform what I’ve been creating into other ideas, much more my own.

Polaroid Kiss is a band I’m producing, which has a gig near Halloween opening for IAMX. I talked to Brandun today about how the shows going to be arranged and to figure out all of what we need and a bit about how we’re going to prepare the show. I was hoping he would have picked a smaller venue first to play out, so that we can all be use to playing together and a bit use to the stage. Anyway, I hope everything goes well with it.. and that it’s not too stressful..

I think that the only thing I’ve ever proved to myself that I may be, is a cathartic accident that can’t rearrange his thoughts into anything complete. Unless it’s done the instant that I make it. That’s the only difference in how I use to do things in the past and how I do them in the present.. The fact that I’ve been trying for so many years to arrange my thoughts into something completely beautiful, I’ve only become void of being able to output anything roughly and raw, because I’m so afraid that I’ll rip it into tiny shreds that it’s starting to become impossible.. I’m forgetting how to make something rough around the edges and thinking it’s any good.

Well, I have a surprise. Blogs can be like notes to me, just a brief recording of time and I don’t have to read back on them. I just hope that I can express myself clear enough so that they’ll make some bit of sense to you. I write mostly stream of thought with no defined beginning, middle and end point, just an incomplete blurb of time that reflects my occurring thoughts, which at this point in time, have not stabilized into something concrete. For, to be stable, would mean to have a lack of life?

If I criticize you, just promise not to always listen to me. The criticisms I put on you are the thoughts I deal with inside my own head. Sometimes all I can see are flaws in everything I do. When your World tears things apart for so long, there comes a point when you apply to take up that position yourself. The sad thing is that most people can’t understand the significance of art, until they can see the finished picture, but creation comes from a million tiny pieces that have to be formed and concluded into sometime whole, but when you’re concentrated so deep on the details, you tend to forget there is a forest for the trees. You forget to complete the pieces into something whole.

I think of the instances I’ve wandered around in the dark of night, when I looked up in the skies and concluded the feeling I felt was reality, and then they made me feel like I was the dreamer, but then I realised that what I had seen was everyone else in the World running around clumsily, unable to fathom reality, because to them the stars still hang from strings and glisten on there bedroom ceilings..

The fact that we’re on this large rock with liquid on the surface and this gaseous cloud around it is insane. If you think about it? Our planet was hit by another planet.. Those things are very common in the formation of solar systems! Venus was hit so hard that it started spinning backwards and I believe it’s Venus’ days are longer than its years now. (That is the time it takes to rotate, vs. the time that it takes to circle around the sun.)

Maybe we shouldn’t always pay attention to the planets.. Saturn has a moon called Titan that has an atmosphere, mountains and lakes/rivers. It also has the right chemicals to form a reaction to start building organic compounds that life thrives off of. Although it’s rivers aren’t liquid water and they are also more like pudding.. Still, can you imagine gliding down through the atmosphere of another planet to see mountains and lakes and colours and features that are so like home?? I’ve just been thinking about shit like this lately and how crazy it is.

Saturn has this perfect hexagon shape right on the top of it! How the fuck does shit like that happen? Most people don’t even know about that.. Jupiter has a moon called Europa. It has way more water than the Earth. Although it’s closer to the size of our moon.. So, imagine how much water it’s made of? Also, you figure it would be insanely cold out there, so far away from our sun, but because of the gravitational pull of Jupiter on it, as it orbits around, it’s orbit goes long and short. When it’s closest to Jupiter, the gravitational pull of Jupiter warps the shape of it and makes cracks all over the icy surface, which also heats the moon up! So there can be this warm bed of water under the ice. Water is one very important factor in there being life in the Universe and we’ve been finding it all over the place.

It sucks to know that we wont be here forever.. Eventually our planet will no longer be able to sustain life and it will lose the atmosphere, also our sun will scorch our planet, then go off to implode itself and then explode.. Damn stars are getting suicidal on our asses! I don’t blame them, because also, at the centre of our galaxy is a huge black hole.. So… basically we are very slowly going down the toilet drain. Eventually all of our particles will get sucked in, compacted very densely and spewed across the universe, in a burst that might just destroy some innocent beings precious home planet in an instant..

Right now our galaxy is heading on a collision course with another galaxy and some day, way beyond the very instantly short blip of time that life has existed on earth, the night skies will change beyond recognition. Everything will be so much brighter.. The only chance of mankind to survive is to get out of here.. This reminds me of this group of people, whom I can’t remember their name, when I was reading about, (where the pentagram came from) and it’s relation to Phi (The Golden Ratio). Maybe they were right. Lol. They said that the Universe was an evil trap that they were put into and that they had to find a way to escape it.. You can’t run forever, because one day, just like your life will end, mankind will end and the universe will end.. But, it’s very unlikely we will consciously as humans will be around to witness the end of the Universe. The Universe is such a freaky and utterly dangerous place, we’re so insanely lucky to exist in such a serene blip of time. Time exists on such a grand scale we only perceive it as being stable, but look around you and you’ll see that it’s not.

Perhaps tomorrow I’ll write something a bit more normal and skip out on the crash course jackass physics lessons.. haha.

I’m back home again after packing up my stuff from Mandy’s and hauling it back in here. It sucks, having a table full of wires, multiple guitars and keyboards and a few computers to move around. I had my studio over there for the last few months. What sucks is now I’m realizing how bad the acoustics are in my studio and how much better they were in her basement. Haha. I’m going to have to remedy this somehow.. Anyway, I planned to only stay at Mandy’s for a bit and ended up sort of living over there, lol, but I really didn’t have any reason to come home, other than to see my parents and my cat, since I had all my of my music stuff there. Also, I came back because Mandy left to go down to Vegas to visit her mum. She also likes to get away every once in a while and get back to her home town. I already miss falling asleep in Mandy’s bed next to her, especially with the recently added 4inch memory foam that you just sink into. My bed is really sucking in comparison!
:)

I could have gone down to Vegas with Mandy and had some fun, but I chose to stay here to get some work done on music. I always seem to choose the bland and boring things to do.. I’m very good at doing that.. There are so many things that I’m doing, or at least trying to do and I guess that’s the point. I’ve set up a calendar and also have a list of what I need to do and then set up as a list of priorities. The last few days I’ve been slacking a bit, but I think that’s fine. I have to throw some weekends in there like a job. It was also the last day I would see Mandy until two weeks from now and then today was the day I had to pack up all that shit and move it.

Packing, loading, driving, unloading and setting everything up took up the majority of my day… Along with beating out my bruised damaged car that had been neglected by a potentially drunk, or rather very old blind person who likes to run into poor innocent parked cars on the side of the road in the middle of the night and not tell a soul about it and opt to scurry off into their very fulfilling karmic life… They’d rather leave their red paint scuff marks and the front of their cars Bra attached as gifts embedded into my bumper and fender.. Why, thank you…

The next day, I was standing outside of the house, waiting for the Sheriff to show up. I guess I was just standing around looking like I had no purpose in my life or something. Some Mormon missionaries were going for a walk and stopped to talk with me. They told me that Jesus right now wishes me to be happy. I told them that I was raised LDS and that I have spent my entire life searching for truth and that I continue to look for it each day. I tried not to mention all the hypocrisy that has surrounded me, or to mention how bad the religion has hurt undeserving people, by their teachings overlooking good moral teachings and values. They were nice people though, so there was no reason. They asked if there was anything they could do for me, I told them if they find a red car with the front smashed in, to let me know. Hah. Anyway, enough of my rant and back to schedule. I’m going to keep trying to do my Yoga here and keep my routines. Our health is something we should all care about.. but in the last few years I’ve been slacking on it.. Maybe in the next few days, I’ll post a few ideas I’ve been jotting down in my notebooks. I’m tired and I’m going to bed now. Love you Mandy. I miss you. Have fun down in Vegas. Bring me back an In-N-Out Burger!
:)

We can stop unnecessary and wasteful expenditures on an expensive administration system that simply doesn’t even need to exist! About 40% of health-care expenditure is wasted on paperwork that denies people care, when all paperwork and administration could otherwise be reduced to only 5%.

We need to fight for our rights to see any doctor that you choose at any hospital you choose, rather than the limited list supplied with your employers benefit plan! If your company is even offering you dental? Medical? lol. Politicians are telling us that we already have choices and that if we support a national health-care system that we won’t otherwise, or supposedly it would be sub-par service. This isn’t true. In other countries people have the choices to see any doctor at any location they choose.

Fight for a system of health-care that is NOT concerned with increasing its net profits by denying people care! You should understand that a company that is run by private individuals encourages the people under them to make the most money they can while spending the least amount that they can. It is after all, first and foremost a business and businesses run in make a profit. This is a conflict of interest to your health!

I would much rather be in a system that pays doctors depending on how many of their patients health improves. I would rather any disease that might come be prevented in the first place. I’d rather live longer than the average American does now. I want preventative care! I want my doctor to be paid better by making me better!

Our government has been telling us lies and somehow, most of us don’t know that other countries have successfully had free universal health-care for more than 60 years, the only one most of us had heard of is our closest neighbour, Canada. If that is the country you think I’m talking about, it isn’t at all near the best system. If this is all that comes to mind, I would suggest that you do some research. Most of the World believes health-care is a RIGHT rather than a privilege and so should we!

A bottle of pills does NOT cost even near $200 in other countries! Try $10. How much does it cost to manufacture these ‘magical’ drugs? What happened, is under our noses, congress passed a bill to allow pharmaceutical companies to charge whatever they want.. I remember noticing when prescription prices went through the roof. Most of us know that these prices are absurd!? But why don’t we do something about it? So, is our country footing the bill for the schooling that leads the R&D to develop these products? Yet another private enterprise. School is the most expensive in America than any other country and we’re some of the not so well educated.

America is supposed to be a democratic country! This means a country that is run by the people, for the people! At least that is what we’re told, but this is a federal constitutional republic. We’ll have to convince those who are in charge. This is not supposed to be a country that fears its government! From what we’re told, this is a country that our rulers should be thrown out if they’re not offering us what we want! Perhaps most of us are not being educated well enough to know what we want!? I could get into how general public education should be extended beyond 12th grade, but then I’m being a socialist?! We have to take things one step at a time, right? We are the people, who choose our politicians, so why do the majority of us keep picking the ones who are causing us harm?

There are a lot of rich CEOs who will tell you what a bad idea national health-care is. After all, they’re not to eager to lose their entire non-necessary industries. Other people will slap the name ‘socialism’ on public health-care. You have to understand how many billions of dollars this would make people loose and how many people would be out of work, because there would no longer be a need to collect your money!

When these businesses will do when they start getting scared, is try to cover more people, while more frequently denying life-saving care for people. Perhaps they’ll make us all pay a bit more so that they can cover almost everyone. But they’ll have us all fooled into thinking that they have a plan and now everyone is covered.. You can’t trust a conflict of interest. It’s like trusting a leech who’s negotiating sucking less blood as long as you don’t rip him off your back. If private companies are to rule our health-care system, they should not be able to deny ANY treatment, whatsoever! They should not be able to deny you insurance because you have diabetes, cancer or heart trouble. They should not be able to deny anyone care.

If you don’t know what socialist means, here is a list of what our politicians call “evil” socialist things already in America: K-12 education, libraries, post office, fire department, and police. I don’t even really mind the police so much, because if something happens to me, they are there to protect me and all I have to pay them are part of my tax dollars for their services. I would rather us all pitch in with taxes than pay an arm and a leg for the police helping me out if I needed it. That doesn’t sound bad to me. It doesn’t sound like a bad idea for me to pay a bit more in tax dollars to insure 100% of the population of our country either. Besides that, with as long as we wait to see doctors, despite what our politicians and media says to us, the lines are no longer in counties with national health-care.

We may be the last people in the World to have universal health-care. Support the Legislation HR 676 and urge your politicians, friend and families to support it. Read through it yourself, it explains how everything could work. Thanks.

Close your eyes for a second,
In the brightest of sunlight.
and, like a shapshot,
Memorize the quaint details
of the very best summer
of your lifetime.
Air that smells like honey,
I would pay money,
To keep the days sunny,
And have barbeques in the park.
As if there were no tomorrow.
Such a beautiful evening
When everything cools down.
Memories of my life
Flash before my eyes.

And I shed a tear when I look back
When everything has changed and I stand here alone,
Thinking back at moments good and bad,
Even the worst seem to have meant something.

In chaos we can find sanctity,
Deriving inspiration from our emotions,
Beauty defies logic and comes to us in waves
And flows from our hearts with mathematical precision.

Just as lightning strikes with powerful strength,
In a blink of an eye it can be measured in length.
As it’s laid out as it was, derived from divinity,
Leading to the path to infinity.

I’ve been learning a lot about DSP (Digital Signal Processing). It mostly consists of mathematical algorithms. It too, was a much easier concept to grasp than I had previously thought, although on an entirely different level than web programming. It has become another thing within my grasp and therefore a new possibility. I have been working on the DSP replication of the Roland JP-8000 into software form. The JP-8000, being my first hardware synth, it formed a lot of the ideals of what I think a synth should be. I can program the JP with my hands behind my back. I love the sound of it’s filters, cross-modulation, super-saw, and even the feedback oscillator. I like how the waveforms can be warped into different shapes by adding or subtracting the fundamental harmonic, or by other means using the CTRL1 and CTRL2 settings. On top of that, you can throw an LFO on top of that to modulate those controls of the oscillators. I’ve been learning to code in C++, so that I can conceptualize the algorithms into a VST instrument of my own and then release it so that other people can benefit from it as well. I’ve been considering going to school for a Computer Science degree to learn coding as well as DSP, which would encompasses a lot of Electrical Engineering knowledge. I’ve probably used mathematics more in the last few months than the entire time I’ve been out of high school. I’m happy I’ve found a practical use for maths in my life.

I’ll be in the studio tomorrow to get some work done. I’m trying to divide my time in useful ways. I have so many things that I want to do, but it never seems there’s enough time. It’s hard to do everything yourself, but perhaps it will be much more fulfilling in the end when everything is in it’s proper place.  I’m trying to write more, for my own sake; I’m trying to get more thoughts out of my subconscious and into the air. While practising piano, I need to concentrate a bit more to the intimate details of velocity, duration, counterpoint and better sight-reading.

I just barely finished reading a book called ‘Blink’ and have now gone onto a book by the same author, Malcolm Gladwell, called ‘The Tipping Point’. It’s a book about Social Epidemics. It’s pretty interesting. Malcolm talks about people in society called Connectors, Mavens and Salesmen. Some people have personalities so expressive that if you put them in a room with another (less expressive) person, and the highly expressive person will actually affect the mood of the less expressive person. While the less expressive person may have gone in the room sad, or somewhat depressed, if the other, more expressive person was happy, they will both come out of the room happy. That would actually suggest that mood can be contagious and that mood is affected from the outside in. Reversely, if the higher expressive person were depressed, he would influence the other persons mood similarly. There have been scientific studies of this and Psychologists call this expressive group of people, ‘Senders’.

I’ve read of an experiment that was conducted with a group of people who all wore headphones and listened to the same radio broadcast. They were split into three different groups. One group nodded their head up and down, or a ‘Yes’ motion. The other test group sideways, in a ‘No’ motion. The third group acted as a control group, which didn’t nod their head at all. They only listened. First, a song played and then an advertisement talking about raising college tuition from $578 to $769. Absurdly enough, the group of people who had nodded there heads in the ‘Yes’ motion, when asked if they believed that tuition should be raised, they came up with reasons why it would be a good idea to raise the tuition. While the group that had nodded no, they believed tuition should definitely be lowered below $578, to something like $468. The control group believed that $578 was sufficient and should be kept where it was. It’s insane to think that people’s brains actually react in this way when receiving subconscious stimuli of this nature, but I don’t have to think to hard about it before realising that when people are at home listening in such a passive manner, they’re so relaxed that they’re brain is in a venerable state of influence. Sort of scary, isn’t it?

A whole companies employees lost their jobs today, consisting of well over 80 employees. I saw people on the brink of tears, with families, homes, and no other ways to support themselves. I was amongst the few to figure out what was going to happen slightly before it did. The rumours were mounting while I was eating my lunch, the front doors were locked, the phones were no longer being answered, and everything became silent. Soon after, I witnessed the two brothers who headed the empire argue loudly, bickering like children amongst each other, with sibling rivalry at the root of it. A few feet in front of me, before a teleconference to all other locations was telling us it was over.

The owner tried to promise us that everything would work out and that this was for the best. His brother reminded him and us in the room that he was telling us bullshit. He was bailing out with his four very expensive cars, a nice house and his new business endeavours. We had to leave our work half completed on our benches and our promises unfulfilled. I scribbled down notes for each of the projects I had been working on, so that someone could properly finish them later on and I left the building.

I got in my car with my huge laptop backpack, pushed it over to the passenger side, hooked up my iPod. I rolled down my windows and blasted my music as I drove down the highway in my shitty ass car, heading into uncertainty. My heart raced, as if destiny was trying to tell me something; trying to lead me away to somewhere unknown, where I better belonged. We’ve all been dragged by the force of change and I almost felt the tears somewhere inside of myself as well, but at the same time, I was somewhat relieved. I don’t want to let myself down. Beautiful days are coming!

If anybody wants to hire a music producer, web programmer/designer or sound designer, send me an email. Or better yet, has connections to proper means to get my music out there and heard, so that I can make a fair living. Email me!

Today I’ll walk away, knowing that I’m leaving home, away from this prison that’s been so safe and well known. I’ll take control of my own and reach out for dreams of my own, knowing I must face this road on my own.

This morning, dew drops come trickling down as I say my last goodbyes to this town. The sun is blinding me as far as I can see, but far off in the distant haze, I imagine my dreams.

Time will be such a lonely place, when it runs out of people like you and me. Will it exist at all, when nothing can see the leaves fall from the trees?

Let me embrace you with the time we’ve been given, until I can no longer feel your skin touch mine. It’s insane how deep everything can be, yet how fragile. We can leave this World like we’ve never turned, or even touched a stone. A lethal cycle defines what the word ‘precious’ means.

One moment with insight, we realise something, until another day passes and we forget. How can we reach out, when our brains keeps falling asleep? We constantly lose touch, as if life is a dream in the middle of the night that we can’t wake up from. We daydream our lives away, for things we can never touch.

Through the days, days are turn into years. I don’t want to loose track of what I’m doing. What I’m trying to accomplish is harder than what other people may choose to do and that’s no excuse to give up. That’s an excuse to push even harder than ever. We all search for happiness, but happiness is something we must find on the ride. It gets hard to partake in happiness, while anticipating the ride so much that you’re scared to get into the car to take off.

There are things in our lives that all of us must do, some have ‘hard times’, while others push themselves through them and come out looking like those hard times are the easiest things in the World to do. Those people deal with the struggle and recognize early on that life that the things they’re trying to accomplish will be hard.

I’m realizing there are really so many possibilities, that it’s a sin to not live and strive to be the best. Not just the best, but what I mean is to be and do what you’ve considered impossible; to live to our capacity; to realize and to be interested in things you’ve never been interested in before. Don’t hold on for dear life to the comfort surrounding you, but to give in to exploration.

Criticism is useless. It’s a matter of opinion, and opinion is influenced by things like trends, depending on the scenario. My point is that it’s subjective. My opinions, my views, my enjoyment and my sorrow are my own, and likewise, I have the right to express what I enjoy or feel the need to express. It’s also important to listen, explore and pay attention. Enjoy everything around you. Enjoy what inspires you and what you care to reflect. Enjoy what other people are reflecting and how you can relate with them. It’s such a simple and light-hearted way of life. Don’t place the strain or the limitations and fatigue on yourself. What we create is a by-product of ourselves, therefore making it unique. We all feel the same core emotions although circumstances that differ. We’re all human and we express what it feels like to be human. It’s a gift that we’re capable of communicating with one another and that we’re capable of listening to each other.

People are often blind to the freedoms and the gifts they possess. Internal struggles can constantly rip them to shreds, keeping us trapped in our own ignorance, incapable of understanding without the knowledge of another person’s perspective. Seeking distinction and superiority, people don’t realize how they hurt or injure others by making them feel inferior or intimidated. It would be a shame if I don’t write for my own sake, more often, just as it would be if other people don’t. I have so much I could possibly say, that I could never stop writing if these weren’t pages and in my hand wasn’t a pen which makes my hand ache, but at least here, I’m able to record a mere glimpse of my thoughts, and through time maybe I can derive wisdom in myself through all of the chaos, as some of my thoughts are organised.

One of the reasons I got this laptop was so that I could do some DJ sets. I kind of did have fun when I DJ-ed at Brandun’s club night and I was looking forward to playing gigs with a laptop. I took away that opportunity, which I’d been planning for. It’s just Brandun seems he has to be better and loves to compete. I don’t want to be in competition with my friends. Life is not a competition and neither is art. I don’t think so. Art isn’t some intellectual thing either, to be picked apart. We must create what we create and it comes direct from self-expression. Some of us don’t have truer emotions than another person. Every emotion we feel is true, just some of us are better able to express them with the amount of time we’re given to reflect on them.

Given the time we’re given, we shouldn’t feel jealous or envious of each other. I don’t know why some people go through great lengths to impress other people. It’s better to influence people, and the only way we’ll do that is through caring about what other people are doing, or what they are into. We can start out by listening, not by rambling on about what we see, what interests us and so on. We can’t influence other people by rambling off and not being concerned at all what other people go through. Friends should care about these sorts of things. I hope that with what’s happened, Brandun’s given some thought to it. I hope that he knows he’s hurt me and that he shouldn’t have. He shouldn’t use me for his own sake and refuse to give me credit for things I’ve done. Both him and I need to grow up, at least in one way. We need to have second plans. We need to have steady jobs while we do the crazy uncertain stuff. He needs to stop being a teenager, drinking and parting all the time. I need to get a job. I need to get my own place soon and be able to support myself. I need to get my music heard. I need to send out the packets in the mail with CD’s and information in them out. I need to go to college and get into something, master in something. I need to draw, I need to write. I need to buy a car and drive all over the place! I need to do all of these things! I need to have a job so I have money so me and Mandy can go out; so I can pay gas’ so I can fix up my studio and get the things I need. I need to meet people, I need to expose my music to people. I need industry contacts. I need to finish my website.

There’s not one day that I should ease up, because I have a long list of things I need to do. I should be living my life, doing at least one impossible thing per day. Taking myself out of my comfort zone, taking myself into the unknown. Do something I’ve never done before. I must grow, learn to leave this place I’ve planted. I must grow wings to fly away, never to come back again. Nothing more to hold on to, I must move on. I must be reborn, because years have past and I’m still in the same place. I have to play catch-up. The one great thing is that we can always do that; we can always move forward. Just some of us can accept it, while others are too afraid of it. It’s something we should embrace. Freedom is a scary thought, when you’ve been locked up for so long. Just look at my cat! What have I done? She wants to be out, but when she is, she hides in a corner, but she will slowly come out of the shadows, slowly she’ll come out, but surely she will when she has the chance.

This is it, my acceptance and understanding speech. So much more is awaiting me. Though my heart will beat in fear. I know each frightful beat will turn to ease as each day passes. Each day I will become more like myself.

The scale of the material I’m working on these days surpasses anything I’ve done in the past. This stuff is more complex even with the ability to sort it out into convenient little folders in a sequencer. I’m now carrying around a portable laptop to my girlfriends house and the other places I go, the whole idea of a studio has in a sense ‘simplified’ itself, while becoming ever so complex at the same time. I can sufficiently make an entire album with a 7lb. laptop. With more options at my disposal than I had on any Underground Bass Masters album I’ve made. Yet again, a threatening thought, although it shouldn’t be and it isn’t with willingness to let go of the past to make way for a new beginning. Technology is a huge luxury we’ve all received in this day and age, but it still has yet to teach us many things about ourselves as we sift through the excess and search for the balance of simplicity that is surrounding all of us.

The music world is a different place than it was not very long ago. The way music is created has changed and I think some of us always resist change to some degree rather than embrace it when it would do us more good to do so. Some of us like to discredit things when those things aren’t done in the seasoned old fashioned ways that we’ve become adept to. People do it all the time when they criticize. Killing the new ideas before they’ve reached their fruition. The idea of an artist starting fresh and anew over again is very frightening, but after every piece we create, we start with a blank pallet! We’ve done it again and again. We’ve all faced drawn out empty uninspired deserts in which most of us keep on writing and striving and in the end have taught us a great deal. I accept the fact that I can’t repeat the past with the same formula with the same type of ambition I once had.. But even if we could, I’m not sure I’d want to. Our desires drive us to push our art in different directions that only our souls see fit. And I yearn to see where things are headed. We only dry up the well if we don’t follow our hearts. We become lost the instant we know what the results will be.

I don’t know how it could be seen from an outside perspective, because all you hear is what is put out into the world for you to hear, but in the years when things are silent and you’re not hearing anything new, I’ve never stopped creating. All artists are trekking upwards in the night. Showing up to create is the most important parts of my life, the place where I find my peace to reflect my take on life and the place where I can, alone, celebrate the achievement of bringing my goals to light.

So much can be done in so little time, time is wasting as I can be trying much harder. If only I didn’t get stuck in this tunnel vision, and I would allow myself to keep focus outside of the details. Stop overlooking all of the good things. Stop concentrating on all of the bad things. Too eager to overlook the entire picture, by just the touch of what I think may turn out bad. Life should keep moving in a direction, give me all my aggressive goals in the world, if I can force myself to overcome them, then I’ll be living my life, instead of this superficial life, stuck in a rut. Too blind to see it, shrugging it off and ignoring the reality that dreams do come true, when you recognize them. When you make them come true as aggressively as you can and you say I’m going to be this and then you do it.

Just stop pretending to be something more than you are, overlooking the reality of who you are. People are beginning to see to your core, the answer why no one will stay. Don’t feel pity for yourself, just accept these truths and then fix them. another stepping stone, realizing the truth is that you still know nothing and have never become who you had hoped to become. I should also know that I’ve never tried to become who you wish to become, to eager to feel sympathy for myself. Don’t let the things you love be destroyed by yourself.

Then again,
we’re too afraid to taint our passions,
forgetting the fact that to live life is to make mistakes,
that the real fact is: to be human and to live is to be imperfect and to make mistakes.

Raw, emotional and uncut.
the beautifully insane.

Don’t let us forget.

I told Brandun today how much it bothers me when I don’t get proper credit where credit is due. I plan to be much more up front about issues in the future. I also told him he owes me $50 when he gets money. He said that was if he made money that night, but I reminded him that he promised me, “atleast $50″ for helping him with stuff. Time is money. I’ve given him plenty of favours. I plan to take people on their word. I can’t let myself be a push-over. I have to survive.

There are some sort of artistic-losses I need to figure out and deal with. I know it. There’s shit that’s bothering me.

Mandy’s been in Vegas again, she comes back Friday. I love her! I miss her! She went down to get some splints? umm. It’s like this retainer type thing she has to wear when going to bed and also maybe a few hours in the day. I miss her laying here with me. The night before she left we went to Spaghetti Factory. I let up on my diet for a day to enjoy a dinner out. Then we went up to Sugarhouse Park. Nice memories, because we went up there so much last summer. We sat along the stream, threw Pop Rock wrappers in the stream and watched them float away, until it was too dark to see them. Anyway, we played on the playground a little bit and then went up where we first kissed. I then grabbed her and kissed her for a long time. It was a avery nice moment and a very good kiss indeed! :) We talked about things and debated about the exact spot and then laid on the grass looking up at the sky, which was pretty bright for the night. We parked all the way up on the Highland High parking lot, so we had a long way to walk back. I carried Mandy half of the way back, in various ways. I had her all the way up, sitting on my shoulders at first. Love you Mandy.

A guy has been looking for months for my album Live Deeper that was released under the Underground Bass Masters. It’s been out of print for many years. He’s looked relentlessly all over the net for it and was unable to find it. He emailed me saying he almost bought a used copy of it from a guy for $50. When he proceeded to ask the other guy why he was willing to sell his copy, the guy told him, “Oh, I don’t want to sell it anyway!”. I’m slightly wondering if this guy was trying to scam him somehow?? Or if this guy’s just crazy and thinks he can get more than $50 out of one of my albums.. I’m surprised that anybody would be willing to spend $50 to get a hold of a copy of one of my albums.. That’s just crazy.

Anyway, after he told me this, I said, shit! I’ll just burn you a CD-R of Live Deeper. What’s your address?? So he gave me his address and he donated $25 to my site via PayPal out of gratitude. That was nice.. It’s flattering that anybody would go through these lengths to get a copy of a record. I’m going to throw more stuff in the envelope that he wont be expecting, as soon as I can figure out what.

So, I’ve been wiping off and cleaning some of my old synth gear. I’m thinking of bringing it all out and setting it up, so it’s all hooked up and ready to use. Loading, or converting old sample banks into new ones from my old E-mu samplers. etcetera.. Maybe I should try to mix together old and new ways of doing things.

I’m scared shit-less of getting on stage and singing.. besides playing instruments, well, I haven’t really thought about it.. I know that it’s something I want to do though and I’ve been picturing it in my head for a long time now. I was born in the wrong circumstances and everything has to be a pain in the ass for me. I just can imagine from past experience that I’ll be scared shit-less when I’m on stage, then again, maybe I wont any more, or maybe I’m just lying to myself.

Okay… let’s see. Music is something I was passionate about, and dead serious about making it. I pretty much told myself straight out that this is what I was going to do and I’m going to do it… I had Corby by my side, always supporting me. We were going to do this! Okay… but this was Techno Bass music, and making it was either getting signed to DM Records, the label I absolutely adored, so unjustly, or… opening up our own record label and doing our own music and producing a bunch of other artists who were into the same stuff as us. So, at the time, pretty much, a Cyber-Bass label.

Maybe I was in la-la land by the fact that this music was so small across the World. I thought after releasing the albums through DM, I’d have enough money to start my own label and somewhere I’d find the talent to produce. Call me young and stupid? I’m not sure. Things didn’t go quite the way I planned. I believed everything was possible, I was an optimist. The future was beaming light so bright that I was blind and that feeling was the best feeling I’d felt in my life. Call me sheltered?

I sold around 10,000 units with two albums through DM Records, I already had the third album half way done and I was so utterly excited about this big insurgence of electronic music that was starting to hit the mainstream and these huge parties happening all over the World every weekend called Raves. Holy shit, this is going to be huge!

Here I am, on another excitement trip, actually this one started slightly after the release of Transcend and Live Deeper, probably in the core of it.. Godspeed was going to be the project, and I was excited. Our label started giving us shit, we had been complaining about people not being able to find our stuff being labelled under RAP&HIP-HOP/BASS and we had asked for Live Deeper to be labelled under BASS/ELECTRONICA. It still ended up under hip-hop on record shelves. I felt like we were being misunderstood and marketed to the wrong crowd. DM wanted us to change everything about our music, including the length of the songs and asking us to change our name on the next album.

I was never so frustrated and upset. We were suppose to go to a recording studio and record to ADAT with money out of our own pockets and we hadn’t even seen a penny, I almost said dime! Out of the last how many years of work, effort and soul that was put into the music. Maybe I’d dramatic and I have the wrong motives, but I’d already chosen this as my path in life and it doesn’t seem I’ll ever even be able to support myself. Such a let-down, when you see all these people with mansions and endless things on TV. I wasn’t asking for that.

Maybe I should actually find out who is making what and how they’re doing so. At my point in life, money is becoming a factor and is a huge motivation on the route I’ll have to take and it really sucks because I hadn’t given it much thought because I had and was GOING TO MAKE IT in music, because I have to and because I have the passion to do so.

My lack of motivation and the reason why I can’t finish this album is due to the fact there is no one to give my music to, who will buy it. No label to give my music to, to market it and my own critical nature, keeping it to myself to avoid criticism. My inability to face criticism easily and my fear of people. I really want to see all my dreams come true, so I need to face this..

P.S. I freakin’ love my music.

I’m so happy to have Mandy and that she will sit and listen to me get upset and cry about how tragic things like this feel to me. Why can I feel this way, when I see it from this perspective? It’s just as fucking traffic that I’m not out there right now doing what I can and possibly in the process connecting with, inspiring, or changing just a few miserable people’s lives. Wasn’t that a big reason to have started in the first place? Is it at all wrong getting pleasure out of this? Other people’s music has inspired and changed me all my life. Some people come to respect you. I have an issue with myself that I don’t want to become egotistical, but I believe feeling secure with yourself and being egotistical about something are two entirely different things. You should know in your heart though that there are some things you can do better than other people. But, somehow, praise and admiration feels so wrong anymore. One of the reason’s I began writing was to prove everybody’s misconceptions of me wrong and show them what I am capable. Laugh in the faces of all those people that treated me like shit and maybe feel good about myself for once, but, by then, you know better..

I always had so many ideas of what I’ve wanted to do with my music. I remember driving on the highway with Corby when we were in Iowa and how passionately I talked about my new outlook on music. I constantly talked about what I wanted to achieve. I still have my ideas of what I want to do, I think I need to concentrate a little on the things that excite me a little more though. The crazy synth riffs, the funky basslines, the really neat heavy breakbeats, the rich harmony and thick vocals, the right consistencies of guitar and piano. Somehow, through this whole thing, I want to make an album that’s powerful, yet emotional at the same time. I think I feel that the stuff I’m making is too mellow, or soft. My drive is something that would be represented as something fierce, the kind of shit you can get a whole crowd of people moving and into it. The stuff that you can’t resist staying still, making you have to move, rather if it’s breakdancing, headbanging, moshing, or just nodding your head hard. We use to be after something powerful. Something on the forefront, that might confuse the fuck out of people, but would push the boundaries of music and be powerful and change the way things are perceived. I’ve been missing my studio and the ability to express myself through music, since I’ve been down in Las Vegas for so long. I was talking to Dilvie (Eric Hamilton) on the internet when we were staying at Lisa’s house. (House sitting.). He was asking if I would be interested in putting a song on a local electronic compilation. I asked him about manufacturing and distribution of the record. I’ve also been thinking a lot about UBM, the CDs we’ve already released, which are no longer in print. I want to ask DM Records for the master recording rights for Transcend and Live Deeper back. Dilvie was telling me about a pretty kule production-on-demand site that works like the MP3.com DAM CD program. He says it would be a good idea to use a program like this until the demand for the CD is higher. Then it would be more profitable to get the CDs mass produced. Anyways, this got me thinking that I should release a single or an EP and then really try to promote from there, then maybe build up the finances to release an album on my own. All I need is a way to accept credit card orders on my Audesi website. I really do need to plan and see this as a business. I can’t feel bad about one of the reasons I do and love to do music is that I can profit and make money from it. Don’t a lot of us dream and want to grow up to be “rock stars”? Well, maybe that’s what I should do. I also need to re-release The Godspeed Project, because it’s no longer purchasable from MP3.COM, because MP3.COM no longer exists.

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Mandy came out because she was picking up some bread for her grandma and also to go get something to eat, so she came and got me and I went with her and then we went to Gateway and we got something to eat in the food court. She got pizza from S’barro and I ended up getting 2 Hot & Spicy McChicken sandwiches. I ate her pizza crust cuz she doesn’t like it. She also got a Lemonade which I kept on stealing sips of. haha.

It was good to see her, I’m so funny though, I didn’t want her to go, even though I knew she was only coming out for a little bit. I just want to grab her right now and kiss her and hug her. It’s nuts? That’s what I want to do right now, but it’s 3 in the morning, (actually Nov 21st) and she’s nowhere around, because she’s at home, asleep. So I’m just going to go to bed here soon.

I don’t like that I keep making her feel bad because I get upset easy because she likes to pick on me and I’m too damn moody. lol. Now she feels like every thing’s her fault and I don’t want her to feel like that. It was good to see her today, I thought she looked pretty good. I like her new hair, I saw her new pants too, I thought she looked hot. heh. She says it’s “all lies!”.. naw.

She said she gets upset when she has no reason at all to get upset, not with just me, but she does it to her dad to and that she should take some time away to figure out why she does it and to sort it all out. I don’t like the thought of spending time away, but I guess she says that would be best and that it would only be for like a week or something sometime. We’re leaving to Vegas probably on Sunday instead of Monday, it really depends on the weather. I looked earlier and it was good Sat, Sun, Mon and Tues. But now I look hours later and it’s saying it’s snowing Sat, Mon and Tues and the rest of the week. It only looks good on Sunday.. We’ll look Saturday and determine when we should be leaving..

Today I asked Corby, the other original member of the Underground Bass Masters if he was interested in starting up UBM again, although with no deadlines or anything, a project we can take our time on if we need to. But if he has the passion and the drive to want to do it and to come through with it and to also start working on stuff independently from me at home as well, then I think we could do it. But I’m not sure if I could see it through as a project on my own.. He seems interested, but he’s going to think about it and give me an answer..

And UBM would be Bass Music… for the bass heads! I can’t deny the fact that I still get big time chills listening to a few of the bass albums that inspired me to do this in the first place. lol. I know there’s more to be done with the genre that I’d like to see come through.

My whole thing about music was about pulling and spreading the genre into new perspectives, or every genre of music I encountered afterwards for that matter.. To become as eclectic as I could..

Once you’ve seen things from a lot of different angles and perspectives, suddenly the thing you look back on is seen in a much clearer view or picture.. Suddenly you understand the point of something a lot more, when I say we’re going to, “make a bass album”. I have a pretty clear picture of what I mean by that. Suddenly that limiting factor becomes art in itself, of simplicity and understanding. I have so many nostalgic emotions that come along with my inspirations and all the aspirations I originally had about creating music in the first place come back to life. It’s something very powerful… when I think about it.

It was really kule talking to Mandy on the phone tonight, it seems like we talked about a ton of shit, until she finally passed out on the phone and I couldn’t revive her. HEHE

I talked to Mandy’s dad for a while about internet and then about building computers. They’re going to come out later in the day to see if they can install wireless internet service at their place. Mandy and Me leave, we had to go fax something for her dad and bring it back. Her dad wants us to stop by Overstock.com. We go and see her Grandma to look for the address through the phone book. She asked if we were already leaving to go to Vegas, we’re like, no, not until next week.

Afterwards, a cop is in our way and I go knocking on his window asking how long he’ll be. He pulled forward after we were just thinking about walking to Subway. So we drove to Subway to get me some food, Mandy ate cereal earlier, so she’s not really hungry. Mandy was on the phone with her mum, I guess she found out the Montel people couldn’t book plan tickets for less than $1,800 a piece, so they postponed the show until sometime in January. Which Mandy is relieved because that gives her more time to prepare and isn’t so short-notice.

So we drive into town and go to Trolley Square, there use to be a really good Salon in there I guess, Mandy says. But we look around on the Map board and find there’s only one and it’s in a different place. So we walk down there and they won’t take any walk-in appointments. They tell us about another salon across the street somewhere. We went outside and neither of us remembered exactly what he said anyway, so we left and went to X-Salon on Forth South. We walked in and arranged an appointment for 3pm for her hair. She got her eyebrows done too while we were there. I sat and waited in the lobby reading City Weekly. We left after and went back to my house to pick up my shirt that I needed to return, because Mandy wants to go to Gateway to get some clothes from Wet Seal which is right next to PacSun, where I need to go.

So I take my shirt back, I had enough money now to get 2 shirts and get 1 free, but I couldn’t find 3 good shirts, so I just replaced the blue Hurley shirt I had with a red Quicksilver shirt I was looking at the other day and paid the difference, about $3. We went and Mandy got a piece of pizza and a soda from S’barro. I decided to try a lemonade from Hot Dog on a Stick/Musclebeach Lemonade. They had lemon/lime and lemon/cherry too. Maybe I should have tried one of the others. It was a little strong/sour.

We went back to the salon and I wait for Mandy for 2hrs. I think her new hair looks kule! We were going to go to Overstock.com and didn’t know how to get there, she called her dad and he said never mind. So she headed to take me home. She almost ran over a pedestrian who started walking out in the street and I told her that he actually had the right away though and we got in a little bit of a stubborn argument against each other. I mean, I felt slightly annoyed but I pretty much just put it off as being more playful or something. I didn’t really mean it, but she got upset at me and when we got back to my house I took my seat-belt off and sat and looked at her. She’s like, “Well, you’re here.”. I pulled her over and gave her a kiss, she kissed me back but she pulled back away and I knew she was irritated at me. I told her I loved her and to drive safe and stuff and that I’d talk to her later. I said I love her again, then I got out of the car and she took off driving pretty fast.

I talked to her on-line for a minute and she didn’t really want to talk back to me when she was at the Library.

Later I called her and I told her I was “sorry for telling her she was wrong.” She said I didn’t need to be sorry, that I was right and she was wrong. Like she does everything wrong all the time. I said that I didn’t mean to make her upset. I’m like I don’t want you to think that, that she’s always the one that’s wrong. She’s like, “You’re perfect.”. I was like, “No, I’m not!”. And sometimes I get like that, I get stubborn when I know something or think that something is right. It was just both of our stubbornness against each other. Just I took it as something more playful in the ending. She got upset, she said normally it would have just been a minor irritation and she would have got over it, but for some reason, it turned out to be more. I guess she saw Critter at the library and they hung out. She told me Critter had made fun of my name or something and she kicked him in the back or something. lol. Anyway, every thing’s fine. I love Mandy. I hope I get over this sickness.. pronto.

Looks like it’s going to snow and shit, but when we’re leaving to Vegas, it actually looks like the weather will be good. Let’s hope so! Matt’s coming over to work on music in the studio tomorrow. So I need to get to bed.

We went to Gateway and Mandy ripped the page with the girl from the Distillers hair out of a magazine, crumbled it up and put it in my pocket. We went over to PacSun and I bought a couple shirts, I finally got a dark coloured baseball T like I wanted. I bought us a 1/4lb. deluxe cheese burger with a root beer from A&W, since we’ve never tried it and we had a 2 for 1 coupon in the Re?? book. It was a pretty good hamburger. It had good meat in it compared to most fast food joints. lol.

Mandy heard that Montel Williams is interested in her story. Her mum called her and let her know about it and said they’re going to try to book flights for this Tuesday, which is hardly any notice at all.. Mandy wanted to take me home with her because if she goes she wouldn’t see me until after Thursday. We went to Smith’s to get some hair dye for me. I had been thinking of dyeing my hair a dark burgundy colour.. Anyway, when we were in the store she was saying they have better colours at Wal-Mart, and we could just go there if I come home with her. So I said sure, I don’t think I’ll feel any worse no matter where I’m at, I’ll still feel sick. But I felt good enough to go, so we went to my house and I shut my computer off and I tried one of my shirts on really fast, I found out it was a Medium and it was suppose to be a Large. Bastards. The shirts too small, the one I didn’t try on. Because I tried on a Medium, I figured the Large would fit, but it wasn’t really a Large.. ugh. I’ll have to return the shirt tomorrow, hopefully they’ll take it back because it was on the discount rack.

Anyway, I grabbed my medicine and shoved it in my jacket pocket and we left for Tooele. We stopped at Wal-Mart on the way. Critter called Mandy on the phone as we were going into the parking lot. We got the hair dye (Dark Burgundy) and she got a couple bags of cotton candy. When we got to her house Mandy died my hair. Mandy kept trying to call her dad all throughout the day, she finally got a hold of him and said he’d pay for her hair and to have her ask her mom if she’d pay for a new outfit. Anyway, her mum wouldn’t. I kiss her goodnight, fix some Theraflu, go back in there and kiss her goodnight again. lol, and I wander in the back room to sleep on the couch.

Every time I lay next to her, I’m able to sleep a little easier. We slept until around 4pm, then I opened up the blinds and I’m like.. we should get up! lol. Trying to get Mandy up.

We went and got some food from Del Taco. Yes, her favourite place. lol. We used one of the coupons out of her book. She got Macho Nachos and a second one free. sm green-Burrito and a drink.

For what reason would anybody ever love me? I thought I was maybe at least some kind of a kind and caring person, but when I don’t even mean it, I end up coming off as mean or whatever else. Just because of the way I am. Me, just being my true self. I come off as being a whole lot of bad things, which I guess maybe I am.. I guess maybe nobody will really ever understand who I am, because this happens when I totally have no bad intentions. I can’t see how someone could love me forever. Maybe temporary before they grow bored of me. I just want to hold you and tell you I love you. Keep you close to me and not let you go. I just want to call you to tell you that I love you. That’s not life, I know. You put yourself out there so much for me and you make me happy, but I’m just an ass hole. I thought I can make you happy too, but I’m just expecting one day to hear how big of an ass hole I am. Maybe I’m just way overly-sensitive. Another reason why someone probably couldn’t love me forever. Who in their right mind wants to fall in love with a big ass hole, I’m sure there are much better things out there in the World.

..she calls me on her way into town and shows up at my house. I wasn’t actually expecting she’d actually show up today. I actually ended up letting her read my ramblings because she had known I was upset at what she said. Her dad called. We went to Mimi’s restaurant to meet with her dad. I’ve never been there. Things are like tense between us the whole time, it was really shitty. We sat in the car a while before her dad was ready to meet us and we go in acting as if nothing at all is wrong, except normally I think I would have been a little bit closer to her. But well, we looked like normal people at least. I got Fettuccine Alfredo with some kind of sauce and Clam-Chowder and she got French-Onion Soup. They give you some bread and cake (banana or whatever bread?) with it. Her dad was looking at PDA’s at Best buy and thinking about getting one and looking at a couple brochures he had, which was one of the topics of conversation. Mandy wasn’t really expecting that her dad had wanted to eat. I felt kind of guilty as if I should have paid him back for my meal, but I didn’t have any money.

Once we got back out to the car, Mandy was like, “I still don’t like you, I was just pretending so my dad didn’t know.”. I’m like.. “I’m sorry if I’m such an ass hole. I didn’t really mean to be one.”.. “I hate this.. I love you.. but I hate, THIS!” I guess I give her some puppy-dog kind of look that started making her feel bad. She’s like, “I can’t even hate you..”. I’ve heard that before. haha. I don’t want her to feel like she’s always the bad guy in situations though, which is what I’m making her feel like. I don’t mean that.. But I don’t think I really understood why she was so mad at me in the first place.

We get back to the house. We’re walking towards my house. I still feel tense about the whole thing, we walk half way up the lawn. As we walked up the first half, I noticed how we were away from each other, thinking about all the times we’ve walked up this lawn in each others arms or at least holding each others hands. I didn’t like this.. She grabbed me and pulled me towards her and told me she’s sorry and she told me how much she loves me. We’re laying on my bed. I went to the bathroom first before going in there where she’s laying.. I could tell something and I was like, “You’re just frustrated about things, aren’t you? I mean, just in general, aren’t you?”

We stopped by Phillips 66 and she got a fountain drink. Oh, first time she’s been there. lol. Such a memory in my life.. haha. As I use to get 2 44oz. fountain drinks a day probably from there. It was a big thing for me and Corby, me and Matt.. or me and Brandon Aspiazu or my other friends from high school. lol. But well, shit, I don’t drink soda like that any more and I’m in a lot better shape because of it.. But I got a strawberry Gatorade.

She asked me if I’m going to end up hurting her someday for some reason. I’m like, “I don’t know.”. She’s like, “Why can’t you just say?” I’m like, “I would never intend to hurt you.”… “I don’t know, what if I hurt you unintentionally?”. I let Mandy know one of the biggest fears that I have, I mean maybe we shouldn’t base everything on experience. lol. But sometimes I worry when I call her. That I’ll call her just to say that I miss her or that I love her and eventually one day I’ll sit there in silence, not knowing what to say.. As I called for no other reason than to say those things to her.. Then.. me having called her only starts to annoy her.. and the happiness she once felt from me would be wore out and faded. That she would have realized every fault I saw or made-believe of myself is true. She told me something I really needed to hear. She told me how truly happy she is, every time she sees ‘Crabby’ run across her caller-ID. That I’m the only person she hopes or actually anticipates rolling across her Caller-ID and that I’m pretty much her happiness and her sanity in Utah. If only I could realize how much she loves me. Then suddenly I realized something else, in that after all the bullshit me and Jessica endured, she’s still there as a friend. A friend who ensured me on her own that I am I great guy and the whole reason it didn’t work out is distance and that it was just impossible.

Mandy stayed until around 4am. She’s home and calls me around 4:57am. I gave her my key before she left so that she could come back in the morning. I went to bed a little bit after, after ripping a couple more CDs for my mom for Betty and downloading some stuff off Usenet.

We went to the post office to mail a letter from her dad to her brother. Afterwards she went looking for an indie hamburger joint her dad was telling her about. We drove a ways out of the way and came back and finally found it. She got a mushroom burger, I didn’t end up getting anything. But I tasted a bite of her mushroom burger and it was pretty good. I remember when the bag was in the car, I’m like.. hmm.. that smells like a Swifty’s hamburger. That’s also the only place I’ve had a mushroom burger from, but I mean, not because it had mushrooms, because it smelled like a double cheeseburger did. Swifty’s is a place that use to be by my house on 4th South. It was a kule place. Me and Corby use to go there all the time and get what we called a “357″, because the price came to $3.57. Double cheeseburger, large fries and fry sauce. Complemented perfecting with a 44oz. Coke from Phillips 66. Anyway, memories were on that smell. It was actually a lot different though. I had her take me to Wendy’s and I got 2 99cent Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers.

We got back to her place, I grabbed her guitar as she goes over and starts colouring in her book. I played it for a couple seconds and set it on the couch. She talked me into sorting her crayon set so that the colours fade. lol. So I got at it as she coloured. Afterwards I started colouring some more. I think I did two more pages, this time I did the pages to the right side and she did the page to the left side. She made a orange and yellow or something radioactive puke dog on one of them. LOL. It’s all good, it was only an experiment gone wrong. LOL. We laid on the couch for a little bit afterwards and kissed, I was playing her guitar too sometime in between. She said we had to leave, I had a feeling she was upset with me because of how I had acted on the couch.. I also felt bad about it and didn’t expect to be leaving so soon. We were driving in pretty much silence on the way home. She got some cash out of the ATM for her dad. She did ask if I wanted something to eat. I was like, “I’m fine..” I didn’t really like her silence, I asked her if something was wrong, as I’d push her hair back so I could see her face. She just responded, “No.”. I was like, “Are you sure?”. She’s like, “Yeah”. I was like, “umm, okay..”. She had to go out with her dad to find this place after she drops me off. She has to go to court tomorrow in the morning for a speeding and no front license plate ticket she got, which is like a 2hr. drive from her. We stopped to get some gas, she got a huge cookie. She wanted Del Taco and asked if I wanted to drive with her there or not. I said I would, that there wasn’t anything else really more important for me to be doing.

She kept saying little things to me that made me feel kind of dumb, so I just wanted to keep my mouth shut. I really hate this and it makes me feel further apart from someone and like they don’t understand me or anything. I dumped my burrito down the side between the door and the seat as I was trying to hand her her stuff.. It didn’t fall out of the bag though, but I think I did it because I was a little frustrated.. Chris, Molly’s B/F calls her on the way home and she asks me to answer it. So I’m talking to Chris, Mandy thought it was her dad. I’m like, “It’s Chris!”. She’s like.. “tell him I’m driving.”, So I’m like, “She’s driving and eating at the same time and about to crash into shit.”. I’m like, “She’ll call you back.”. Because that’s what she tells me to tell him. He’s like, “Okay, then..” Mandy’s like, wait, who is that? Because she thought I was telling her dad these things. So I give the phone to her. Mandy’s saying something that I’m acting like a retard to him, which makes me feel great. Anyway, she talks to him for a while until she realized she’s on daytime minutes. I was actually thinking of just getting out of the car and walking off, but I sat there and waited to say bye and stuff. I ended up letting her know like what I’ve thought this whole time and the way I’ve been perceiving everything..

Me and Mandy went down to Gateway after debating between that or a show, we finally parked in the parking garage on the south side of the place. It was a good feeling, walking around and holding her again. We went and played Air hokey, this time she just whooped my ass like 4 times or something. So much for my air hokey days, I guess I’m starting to suck. lol.

It was cold and Mandy didn’t have anything warm, so I insisted she wear my sweat-shirt but she wouldn’t. I saw they have high-heel Converse, lol. So weird. We hung around Barns & Nobles for a while, I bought us a Caramel Frappuccino. I have to get those when I’m there now. Good shit. I saw some new software synths/plugins in Keyboard Magazine or maybe it was Electronic Musician? Went through the music store afterwards, I saw they had a DM Records CD in the electronic music section, so if my CD’s were still in print, they would have been there. Kind of sucks. Oh well..

Anyway, I made Mandy wear my jacket, I put it on her and forced it upon her. LOL. We were in the car in front of my house and it didn’t seem like we had got to see each other long enough so she called her dad to ask if I could spend the night, he said I could as long as I slept on the couch.

So we went out, stopped at Wal-Mart for some things. Mandy got some colouring-books and a box of 200 crayons and we were looking through all the kids stuff and shit. We got a couple little pies too. She got a Blueberry, I got a nice fattening Pecan Pie. I got a #1 super-sized combo from McDonald’s, with a freakin’ 44oz. blue Power Aid.

Anyway, like little kids we ended up colouring in her colouring-book together, which was actually pretty kule. LOL. It was really good spending time with her and playing around on the couch. When we went to bed, I went to bed on the couch in her back room. She slept on the floor, although I insisted she lay on the couch and I lay on the floor if she was gonna do that, she said no.. I guess I should have thrown her on the couch anyway..

I know I shouldn’t feel jealous or anything, but when she first told me it was just that instant gut reaction feeling of my heart sinking to the ground. I didn’t want to say anything because I should know better, and I should know better than this. Most of her friends are guys and she doesn’t really like girls and thinks most of them are evil. Maybe it’s just the fact that this guys first intention was to hit on her. I don’t know. lol. She has to meet friends around here. I really hate ever having any kind of feelings of jealousy ever. It’s one of the worst feelings there are.. She says she might hang out with him tomorrow.

I’m just stupid and I really miss Mandy right now. I love her a lot and I’m lucky to have her. She’s made me happy since the moment I met her. (and I mean just talking to her, before I actually met her) It will rock when we can spend time together when we take our trip down to Las Vegas. I’ve got to buy her something bigger than that little bear for her to squeeze when she goes to bed. It’s so cute that she does. She stole my jacket a while back and one of my shirts and she’d go to sleep in them. hehe. It’s kule. We’ll have each other in Vegas.

Yet, I know how easily and how fast my passion would come back to life, like fucking fire and probably ten-fold what it ever was if I had the chance to get Audesi on a good label and make a living off of my music. For years now my life has been just like movement in still life. Music is a piece of my soul, ingrained in every detail of who I am. I’m a lot better than I’ve ever been and I won’t argue against that, and nobody can. I know there’s so much more for me to do and so much I could do and on top of that a lot more passion just waiting for me as I give the art I’ve kept so private to the World.

Mandy left around 3am the other night, coming back a couple hours later when she could in the morning. LOL. Maybe her dad should just see he should let us spend the night together. hehe. We spent another day together soaking up each other. I wish she just never had to leave. I’m beginning to feel a greater freedom between us and it’s great. I love Mandy. :) I found my stuffed crab Mandy gave to me that I had been missing the last couple days, I found it and set it on my pillow next to me as I fall asleep.

She’s been sick, the flu and then a sore throat for a while, it sucks. I have a cold too. I don’t care if I get a sore throat, I just really wanted to see her! But I really hope I don’t make her any more sicker with my cold, if it’s different.

Time seems to go by so fast when we’re together, it’s crazy. I can see my life just flashing by and I wake up and my life has gone by and she’d still be there by my side. I wish I could just keep her and that we had a place together that we could call our own.

I have always tried to live with reality; to stop trying to climb to the top and fit in with society. When I was young, my thoughts were strong. Nothing could bring me down, but time ticks by and life is the same. I feel like I’m losing my mind.

But no matter how hard I seem to try, I feel I’m living a lie. I’m living a lie. I’m living a lie. I’m living a lie.

Well, my folks always told me, “You have to chase after your dreams. Once you give up, the chance will pass you by and life will replace your dreams.” Maybe they’re right, maybe they’re wrong. But is it really worth the chance? “You’ve got one shot to live. Don’t give it up! You may still have a chance.”

Maybe this life I live is worth a try? Or am I living a lie? Living a lie. Living a lie. Living a lie.

Piano Improvision
[See post to listen to audio]

In the times I fought my bitterness,
My heart ached in a waking sadness.
I screamed out and prayed for someone
to take away this emptiness.

You’re the one that came to me,
The only one that could stand to see,
The one that can love me for who I am,
The one that’s willing to understand.

I had a vision so wonderful,
so wide and so bountiful.
The tears we’ve cried still form a tide,
to wash away all the hurt inside.

Being with you is like that tide,
I no longer need to hold it inside.

Matt, Michele and Dustin came over, later Corby and Trisha and all of them came over too. But I left before they got here. I helped my mum put together a witch thing on the porch and went with her to the store to get some stuff. I guess we got something like 25-30 trick-or-treaters at my house. Something somewhat normal? And that was only until 8pm. Maybe more came later on.. The last how many years were just horrible for Halloween! What?? Kids don’t want free Candy. But that was the case at Mandy’s. There were only about 5 sets of trick-or-treaters that went to her house.. We watched The Exorcist because I haven’t seen it before. Well, I thought I haven’t. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen it when I was a kid. I didn’t think it was scary or anything though. But well, it was kule to see it and know that I’ve seen it. HEH.

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It was Matt’s b-day today. He turned 24. I hate the fact that we’re getting old…

xoxo

Went to the library.

We found a Del Taco after hearing on the radio that there were 10 locations in Salt Lake. Mandy called information on her cell phone and they said there was only one? What happened to 10? LOL. It was on Highland Drive. I’m a dumb ass and told her to drive up to Foothill Drive. I was like, oh shit, I was thinking that was Highland Drive. But then I’m like go down, I think it’s 11th East. LOL.

I don’t understand why we’re so blind,
When did we leave our sanity behind?
Maybe it’s because your always right,
and were never one to turn down the fight.Maybe if I turned down the lights
Covered my head in my blurred sight
Pray I endure the pain I’m suffering,
Then maybe one day you’ll learn nothing..

Maybe it’s because you’re always right,
And you know that you’ll succeed
In ripping every last bit of happiness
Away from me.

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Everything I’ve ever hoped for,
Comes running pass me and out the door.
Raining acid through my tear ducts,
The pain I cause myself, I can’t endure.

This voice inside of me is killing me,
Why can’t I keep my sanity?
What went wrong to lead to this?
Are the facts really so hard to miss?

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I can never see the signs as they come,
The truth is that I wander around blind.
I can’t remember where I’m coming from,
The struggle goes on, but I remain calm.

I’m so tired and ready to fall,
I swore to all end that I’d hold on.
I’ve walked, I’ve ran, I’ve even crawled.
I don’t want to lift my head beyond.

If I could see a little ahead,
The truth is I wouldn’t want to.
I just can’t get it out of my head.
I know there’s something I’ve got to do.

Why can’t I? I can’t seem to let it go.
Why can’t I? Life’s too short to die alone.
Why can’t I? As my body’s getting old.
Why can’t I? As my heart’s growing cold.

My faith is contained in minuet steps,
Holding onto the edge of the impossible.
I’ve tried to commit the idea to death,
but it’s mad to mock the inevitable.

Distance threatened the clear perceptions,
We had as two people in love.
We carelessly believed all the misconceptions..
and never stopped to lift our heads above.

Sole entities, intertwined as one,
Simply misplaced by an absence of time.
I’m left screaming, as I toss and turn,
Waiting for what truth leads me to find.

Why can’t I? I can’t seem to let it go.
Why can’t I? Life’s too short to die alone.
Why can’t I? As my body’s getting old.
Why can’t I? As my heart is growing cold.

My soul wanders off into the abyss, forever changing and unrecognisable by those long ago. This sweet passion drives me and I’m no longer afraid. What they say is what they believe and it’s all bullshit to me, because my heart wanders free of their prejudice, unshackled from their imprisoning minds.

Then again, I believe as I believe, but I know that I don’t have all the answers, but in my unrestricted curiosity, I have a right of life and the will to learn and to experience it without believing all the naive conceptions revolving around me. Individuals fail to be born, everyday. As each of us are taught not to believe in ourselves and not to contain, maintain, or to show how powerful our ideas really are, or would be, if only given the opportunity, ideas fail to come into light. This conflict imprisons us and stands in the way.

Unfortunately, people believe as they will believe and so they also believe as they’ve miscomprehended, globally and universally. It’s only important to know what’s in my own heart, to know myself and to believe in myself, to be who I want to be and to be doing the things that by my own will and passion, I choose to do, to speak my mind of everything which interests me.

I have no say in who might listen, nor should it matter who they are, but as long as it makes me content in my own heart knowing I have done it, I will continue to do it. I’m not sure if that makes sense or sounds as if it’s a contradiction, but I think following the passion and the drive in your own heart is the only thing that keeps those ideas and goals altruistic and it’s something that can’t be mimicked and should never be silenced or critiqued.

Every time you fall away from being yourself and believing in yourself, you’ll see this World can be jaded, skeptical and critical without knowing it, it’s all in denial of themselves and what they believe is the truth.

I’ve been missing her. It was awesome staying at her house for the how many days I had. It was good to hang out with her and we took a bunch of pictures today. The bad thing is that it’s starting to get freakin’ cold! Fuck! I hate the cold! ahh! It got colder as the day went on and as it got dark and it’s going to get a lot colder.

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All I really cared is that I got to see Mandy and spend some more time with her. We went up to Sugarhouse park and she had a blanket in the back of her car which was great, we laid down by the pond. Mandy says she goes up there and sits by this tree we sat next to when she’s in town, earlier in the day when I’m not awake.. Damn it, I should start waking up sooner!

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Later we went over to Brandun’s as he had called me earlier on her cell and said to come over later if we wanted to. We took some funny pictures then were thinking of something we could do.. We ended up going to the dollar show in sugarhouse and watched Hollywood Homicide. Afterwards we dropped Brandun off so he could get to bed, because he has to work early the next day.

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Me and Mandy sat and talked for a bit and just spent time with each other. She was really tired, I wanted to let her come in to spend the night. We ended up laying down for a bit in the passenger seat of the car, snuggled together under the blanket we had used earlier that day. She drove home really tired.. I hope that she got home fine and everything. I told her to call me and she didn’t and I tried calling her and I didn’t get any answer. Hopefully she’s in bed, sleeping well and having sweet dreams.

It’s always seemed like I’ve known Mandy for longer than I have. It’s so weird and time is so strange with me and her. It’s like time is no longer a constant thing since I’ve known her. I feel I’ll know her forever.

Off topic: I happened to go to cakewalk.com and I saw there is a new version of Sonar coming out, Sonar 3. It looks a lot kuler, even though I don’t really use it anymore, Cubase SX is a lot better.. So, after this, I decide to look at steinberg.net and I see that there is a new version of Cubase SX coming out.. Cubase SX 2, so that’s pretty bad ass!

:-)

Then we watched Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers on the wide-screen, which neither of us had seen yet, so that was kule. But going back before that, Brandun showed up at my house when I was on the phone and I told Mandy I’d call her back. I ended up calling her back and talked to her for over 2 hrs. not wanting to let her go because we’d keep saying bye and just go on talking again, all while Brandun was playing around on the internet upstairs alone. Sorry! lol.

And well, earlier, before all of this, she had started talking about her ex, it was just a couple little funny situations they had together, but I could sense this evil ‘jealousy’ bug inside of me and it made me doubt myself in ways that I do, telling myself she’ll probably get bored of me, or that I.. suck.. lol. Or then in the corner of my mind I start thinking, “what if she still has feelings for him?”. ahh.. These are just fucked up things to ever think about..

But then for some dumb ass reason, I started talking about Jessica and saying the good qualities that I liked about her and the most optimistic rendition of how it didn’t work out and everything. Mandy started getting upset thinking I still have feelings for her because of how it still makes me upset and emotional and shit talking about it. I’m like, I never really had anybody I felt like I could talk to it about, so I just never really did. You should let go of the things that hurt you.

I know it would fuck me up if I lost Mandy. Mandy is the kulest person! I’ve been a different person since I’ve known her. It changed everything and it cleared my mind of all the stupid things that were robbing my own mind from me. I don’t think I’ve really been able to talk to anybody like I can her. I love her and me and Mandy are Real. It’s not to say that me and Jessica were not, but me and Mandy are REAL! I mean, this is different.

I let go of Jessica relationship wise, she gave up on it. It’s over and gone. Anyway, this is why I had to call Mandy back and after I called her back, I was so incredibly happy because we just went off talking about stuff.. whatever, everything.. including shit like music business and going to college and different courses that would help in starting a business or a record label and about promotion and shit. It was awesome. I told her, I really want to see her tomorrow! I miss her! I know Brandun probably sensed something crazy when I came back in the room because I was probably gleaming with happiness by the time I came back upstairs. lmfao.

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Well, earlier, before all of this, we were at my house and Mandy’s dad had been getting calls from an automated message regarding a job. She had his phone because her daytime minutes were out on hers. So she had to head out to bring the phone to him, so I went with her, listening to an older Audesi demo that was all scratched up and skipping on the way there.. I figured maybe we should go to her house afterwards because we’re closer to her house than mine and Mandy needed help bringing the TV from her dads room into hers for her PlayStation. Sometimes it’s a beautiful scene, driving out to the middle of nowhere. hehe.

So I did drag the TV in there a little later and we played Mortal Kombat. Mandy whooped my ass. So I played her acoustic guitar while she played Grand Theft Auto. I really want to get some guitars. I like picking hers up and just jamming on it, even though I can’t play.. I know I’ll learn guitar fast. It was really nice being alone with Mandy in her natural habitat. :-D and getting to spend the night beside her.

Okay, so Saturday we wake up, we just laid down for a long time in the morning. or maybe that was the whole night. Well, we didn’t just lay there. but, well. lol. Later when we got up, we watched a whole bunch of Beavis and Butthead episodes off DVD. It was awesome, I haven’t seen them for so damn long. It rocked! I love them.

Mandy had to do the chores around the house and afterwards fixed some stuff for tacos. I stuffed some huge filled tortilla.. I was looking through her guitar books and looking at chord charts and actually learning to play my first proper (whatever proper is…?? by the book.. generic..) chords.. yeah.. While trying to get her to play some songs for me or talk her into showing me the videos on the computer of her and Molly being dorks.. Which I guess both of these are scheduled for.. LATER! Who knows when this later point might finally arrive.

Later on, during a later point which actually arrived, we were getting hungry and got some Orange Chicken and Rice from this Thai food restaurant and a couple Lime Squeezes from Arctic Circle. hmm. Somewhat between Sprite and Fresca. yep yep! haha. (Just to give you shit! haha. ;-) Damn right!)

That night we watched Bowling for Columbine by Michael Moore. That has to be the best documentary I’ve ever seen. Michael Moore rocks. We watched the extras on the second disc too, afterwards. Although I almost just passed out on the couch I was so tired from lack of actual sleeping. It was late and here we are, so tired again. I was going to go home so that I could be there when my parents got home the next morning.

I remembered I left one of my computers on in the studio and I was afraid it may have exploded by now or that I’d turn it on and both my hard drives would be making a succession of beep/click noises again.. Evil ass computers!!

So anyway, we’re in Mandy’s secondary, back room, laying on the couch where the PlayStation, computer and guitars and that sort of stuff are at.. Mandy’s head laying on my chest, my legs hanging off the front of the couch and down onto the floor.. So tired and not really wanting to leave anyways that I decide to spend the night again. This time passing out as we lay down. I figure I’ll go home at like 7am or something…

We get woke up at around 7am, but fall back asleep and then it’s suddenly like around 11am. My mom came back into town and was worried and shit because she didn’t know where I’d been and she could tell I was gone for days and my cat had no food or water, the newspapers were out and my dads medicine was hanging out the front door, as it had been delivered. I had been thinking about calling her before she had called at around that time I expected she would be home from out of town. I was about to call her to see if they were home yet on Mandy’s cell, when Mandy got out of the shower, in which time my mom had since called, worried.

When Mandy got out she went looking for her cell phone and brought it to me, she’s like.. Earl Dixon called. lol. So I call home and my dad answers and says my mom has gone looking for me at Brandun’s. I’m like.. uh.. told her I spent the night over here and I’m with Mandy and I’m alright. My dad also reminds me I need to mow the lawn. Which I do. lol. I told him I would.

We get ready and all that stuff after laying around for a bit and me writing EARL (heart) MANDY on the side of her Converse. So we head back to Salt Lake, Mandy’s talking to her best friend Molly in Vegas on the way, who she’s been meaning to call all week now.

We go to Dee’s restaurant and I get Country Fried Steak, which perhaps I shouldn’t have. It’s huge and I’m sure pretty fattening. Mandy got a Cheese Quesadilla, since losing her appetite on the way into town. Afterwards, we head over to Baskin Robbins so she can get some kind of chocolate ice cream with peanut butter, I tasted it and it’s pretty good. :-)

The whole time we were in there some girl just kept starring at me and then her for some reason. WTF? People like that drive me insane.. ahh! What is wrong with you??

We end up at Sugarhouse Park and down by the stream in the shade of the trees because it’s freakin’ hot as hell. We find a little keeva like area and sit down, which I remember when we first started hanging out and ended up there. It was funny, back when we were kind of more tense and still sitting in a slight parameter away from each other. There was this cute couple playing in the stream in front of us, it was funny how the girl was walking and they were both holding each other up. I’m like, Yeah! Let’s go play in the water! I’ll throw you down in it! hehehe.

There were these cute little girls playing around us too, it got us both thinking about when we were kids and I’m like.. why can’t we just run around and act like kids? What would be wrong with that? Mandy says she acts pretty goofy all the time, but when she’s around me for some reason I don’t bring that out in her. aww. Why not? :-/ Let’s be kids.. It’s fun. Aww. I’m getting old and tired. Damn! Well, I was kind of tired at least, since I haven’t been getting proper sleep the last few days. :-P As far as we get into the water and doing all those other… miscellaneous fun (muhahaha) >:- things we imagined is Mandy getting her shoes slightly wet. I thought about taking my shoes and socks off and rolling my pants up and getting in there. Sorry, my shoes are still new..

We go wandering off and end up under a tree talking about shit and um, for some reason playing with little tree branches and burying shit in the dirt. [R.I.P.] Mandy’s safety pin from her stylistic hole-filled pants! Now some day, I’ll have to dig that thing up.. We decide to leave and then some guy runs into the curb and backs up and then lays back in his seat. He didn’t look like he was having a good day before he decided to run into the curb. I just pray he didn’t go on a shooting rampage killing hundreds after we left.

We stop at 7 Eleven and get some drinks. Lime Gatorade Ice is good. yep. We go to my house and park behind Matt’s car. Matt and Michele’s cars are here. I’m thinking, why are they here? lol. My mom pulls up behind and peoples arms are waving out the windows. lol. Oh yeah.. They went to the fair, which is going on. Costs like $7 to get in now, what a rip off. My mom bought a cell phone which she had to show off. Matt came and said goodbye and then leaving in a hurry, burning out and shit doing a U-turn. It was funny.

We hang around for a bit. We ended up all going out to Trisha and Corby’s with my parents. Mandy still hasn’t met them and I was talking about all my nieces to her, so she wanted to meet them. My mom talks a lot.. I really think she likes Mandy. We get to Corby and Trisha’s house and nobodies there, so we head over to Corby’s parents. My mom never calls when she goes out to see Trisha. So we introduce them all to Mandy, Trish, Corby and the kids and visa versa. Corby mentioned how good I look lately since I’ve lost all the weight I have and that his friends didn’t believe him when he told him, who haven’t seen me for over half a year, except maybe for some pictures.. He looks better too since I guess he’s been eating a little different and gave up soda. Aubry gave Mandy a hug as we were leaving. :)

We headed out to my Grandma Edwards’ afterwards and Mandy got to meet her. My grandma said she looks familiar, like she knows her from somewhere. My mom was like, “Maybe from a past lifetime or something.”. hehe. Which later Mandy pointed out to me, her saying this. heh. We showed her some pictures of our family. Before we left, when I was giving my Grandma a hug, she whispers in my ear, “Do you like her?” I’m like, “Yeah! I do.” She’s like, “She seems nice!”. I’m like, “She is!”. :-)

We headed back home and we hung out on the porch for a little bit, my mom gave us some money and we got some food from Wendy’s. We came back and hung out in the car and talked and kissed, before she had to go.

My eyes are going to close typing this, I don’t think I can read it over at the moment to make sure any of it makes sense, so maybe I’ll do that later.. I Love Mandy.

We ended up going out to her house in Tooele, it was the first time I’ve been out there. Looked through some picture books and I played with her guitars. Later Mandy, me and her dad were out playing hacki-sac. haha. I haven’t played that for years. It was fun! Hmm, and I’m the only one that used two feet while playing..

I helped her dad set up the VCR to record, cuz Mandy was on like national TV tonight. haha. She tried to pull me out so I wouldn’t watch it, I don’t know what for.. haha. I wanted to see it though and I stayed and watched it with her dad on the couch as she went in her bedroom and wrote in her notebook, probably about how much she hates me. haha. :-/ haha. Not really. But I don’t know what the big deal was, I thought it was really cool to see her and she should have told me beforehand, I would have recorded it!! HAHA. Then it came on again 2hrs. later.. But I still had no opportunity to record the show.

I met her Grandparents on the way home, they seemed pretty kule. They live like 2 houses away from where I use to go to lunch all the time, because my old work was right around the corner.. Kind of weird. hehe. We could have ran into each other at Smith’s years ago there and wouldn’t even have known it. When I got back home we just sat in the car for quite a while talking, then had the hardest time trying to say goodbye. Anyway, I must really get to sleep! I’m tired and I have to be up at 11am, because Matt’s coming over to record some stuff between 11am-4pm.

Time has us by our hands
and I’m holding onto everything while I still bare to stand.
Who says we’re not afraid?
I can feel her pulling at me as I dread everything fading away..
Like a metronome, second by second
I feel it like syncopation; the loss of this connection.

I can feel it starting over and over again,
My heart ripping to shreds, never having made amends,
but time has me by her hands,
taking me away from you at her command.

I feel the outlines being traced and inlaid,
Just give me something to hold on to feel safe.
I wish I could emboss you in my heart, like stone,
I fear it’s like death, that final moment I’m so alone.

It’s kind of funny when you’re cuddling and you hear your friend come screaming, “Earl!! Earl!! Are you there?”.

But do you know what? I’m friggin happy!

My ramblings have been filled with so much gloom. Such a contradiction, life is a contradiction and that’s great. Things change and when they change, we grow as people. I never want to know what’s around the corner, I just want to go there and take You with me! ;-) It’s there that I find happiness.

Me and Mandy ended up at Gateway. Air hockey always rocks. I have to get my air hockey table setup at my house. We ended up sitting on the rocks looking at bricks with peoples names on, where they have things like, “Happy Birthday Schweety!” and “In Memory of a Vegan” or uh… People with money to waste.. we imagine such peoples names as, “Mike Hunt”, this infamous character that went to my Jr. High school, lol, or.. an inside thing, “Crabby Rocks My Socks!”. heh. I like the latter best.

I had Mandy drop me off at Brandun’s house when she had to leave and introduced them to each other, first time they’ve met. Brandun was wearing a pink girl shirt that said I’m Soy Adorable? haha. hmm. We chilled there for a bit before she had to go. Brandun’s like, umm.. I’ll leave you two alone. haha. Before she leaves, I almost get thrown through the front door. ohh.. lol.

Later, I think I ended up showing Brandun a bunch of shit how to use Cubase SX and then his friends Vanessa and Rachelle come screaming through the window and we end up watching some psychotic movie called May. That I didn’t really understand the point of. Hmm, come to think of it, I think I’ve actually seen this movie before. ahh. This movie’s fucked up.. She has no friends, except a doll. And the doll sucks too, so she ends up cutting up people for their good ‘parts’ and making her own friend and ripping out her own eyeball because her ‘friend’ can’t see her. So, right.. Disturbing.

I can’t believe I was called a ‘vampire’ by his friend though, because I’m kind of pale. lol. I’m like, yeah.. I know! haha. but well, that doesn’t change the fact that I really am a vampire! muhahaha. HEHE Kidding! But well, his friend Howard looked like Bill from King of the Hill to me, so it’s all good! :-D

Sue invited us to come over again and stop by to visit and to get something to eat. She makes Chile Verde, Enchilada soup, and Manicotti. So it sounds like she makes good stuff to me!

Okay, this is actually the 14th, because my ramblings are almost always written the morning of the next day, before I go to bed. I don’t know why, but this is more like a journal entry. Brandun is stranded in Las Vegas while coming back from California with Catie. I guess the car blew up.

I wake up to Ryan bitching at me on the answering machine. LOL. I thought it was Corby at first and that it was an emergency, like.. Someone had died or something!! LOL. Mandy was coming and took me into Brandun’s work so I could talk to a supervisor to explain the situation, waited for a while for a sup to come out of the doors and then Jason, uh.. “Utah Brentner”, came out and I told Jason what had happened. Introduced Jason to Mandy. visa-versa. I only got a phone # out of going to Brandun’s work. So I come back with the phone #, hop on the net for 10 seconds and give Brandun the # on MSN.

Matt was at the house, I introduced Matt to Mandy. Matt introduces himself as ‘the other music guy, who plays guitar’ or something, hehe, it was kind of funny. So anyways, me and Mandy go all the way back to Gateway, well, we stop at Beto’s first and get Super Nachos w/the works because she’s never had them. :) Then we go to Starbucks in gateway, get another caramel frappuccino. Mandy gets a coconut one this time. Not really coffee, she lets me taste it, it tastes like ice coconut milk. heh. We end up sitting out on the balcony, which fucking rocks, watching little kids play in the fountains down below, and it’s just awesome because it’s dark and all the kule lights down there, pretty prime ambiance, I guess.. Can’t get those metal chairs close enough to each other though.

We head over to Tilt (the arcade), to whoop each others asses at air-hockey! lol.

I burned a CD earlier today of stuff I’ve written so far this month. Mandy likes it. She really likes the version of Invocation I have on the CD, which is longer and better than the clip on here.

We go to memory grove again. Damn, it’s just the perfect routine. LOL. and the brief breeze tonight and blowing leaves, it just feels so right. I gave her a piggy back ride. Today rocked. But maybe the best was later when we were laying in the car. hehe. I’m laying in the car with her and the song I write about laying next to her comes on, it’s so weird because this song just starts speaking exactly how I feel and it’s like I’m talking without saying a word, but just looking into her eyes.

Um, why don’t they make 2-player pinball machines? I guess that’s a gravity issue? ahh! But that would rock..

We’re hanging out again tomorrow. ;-) Next theatre we go to must have removable center between chairs…

It’s all coming out again, as I follow these twisted roads, that lead me away from where my heart had grown so cold. I feel the warmth as I embrace in change. The World changes around us all and I hope to see it all!

I sit here helplessly and watch it all fall into place,
time moves so quickly, I watch it wash over me.

I don’t want to let you go,
so just lay here with me.
There’s things in my heart that I want you to know
and places that call out our names that say, “Let it be!”.

My thoughts drift through abstract reason
and dreams dawn in the dusk of our leisure.
I open up my eyes as I remember the feeling.
I could no longer hold onto the anguish that I held in my heart.
Held in my heart for so long… “Let it be!”

It’s really not hard to see the beauty,
when I’m so close that I’m inner twined with you,
a teardrop falls down on my cheek when I realise
there’s no one else like you.

Went to the bookstore, got a ice-cold Carmel frappuccino, went to Virgin megastore, bought BT’s new album. Went to the arcade, played pinball and air-hockey. Mandy beat me 7 to 4.. then I beat her 7 to 4.. then we played again.. she beat me 7 to 4.. then I beat her 7 to 4. We officially whooped each others asses. LOL. equally. LOL. Went to subway grabbed a sandwich. Listened to BT. Went to memory grove and ate and chilled, sat with our legs intertwined on a bench in the middle of a bunch of gravestones by the meditation house. Mandy messed my hair all up. lol. took a bunch of pics in the progress of all this, went off looking for pagan alters then ended up on top of the mountain and sat and looked at a nice view of the city. Went to 7-Eleven and got some pop rocks and coke. LOL. No, they don’t make your stomach explode! But they do pop really fast in your mouth. Ended up laying on two slides next to each other in my elementary school playground.

My hard-drive crashed a couple days ago in my main audio computer. I lost a lot of stuff. It’s a wonder I’m not ripping my hair out. This happened to me before in 2000 and I couldn’t sleep for days, I was pacing back and forth and ripping my hair out. I never felt such anxiety, but I guess like all things in life, you can learn how to handle and maybe it’s better this way.

It forces me to rework things and I think that’s the way it’s probably meant to be. In a lot of ways this is still a positive thing. The last days I’ve been putting things back together and setup so I can start working on music again. I’m going to have to rerecord some songs and things and reprogram some things, but it wont stop me.

I was playing around making this little musical piece above. I got a 64mb video card and a 19″ monitor and upgraded my machines to an Athlon 2400+ and a 1800+. I use to be using an 1800+ and a 1000mhz. I also have 2 new 120gb drives.

Brandun was talking about moving! NO! His “friends” have been treating him like shit. Most people just suck nads! Brought my camera over and visited, copied some shit onto CD while I was there. Some stuff I needed that I didn’t have anymore since my HD crashed..

We took off to liberty park and just goofed around like complete idiots, like usual, I guess. LOL. Hmm, the green slide is kind of kule. haha. and the other weird shit they have. The hoops, yeah! We did some hoop grabbing and Brandun couldn’t take the picture at the right time, so I just look like a fucking literal retard trying to dance on the ground under a basketball hoop in all of the pics. Let me see.. we did some running in the air.. haha. Kind of a bit like Jesus. and well, only walked on the dock in the lake. I didn’t feel like taking the risk to see if I could walk on water.. Then when I left to go home I forgot to go back to Brandun’s and grab the damn CD with that shit I needed on it..

Mandy
[See post to listen to audio]

It sunk deep down inside of me, the thought of all that could have been. All the dreams I had to share and everything I believed in was lost. Insincerity and confusion marked the end of something I could have held on to forever. I wanted to lock my heart and throw away the key. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.

I took one last look back and a single breath, I felt your heart beating as I took one step ahead. My heart let out a deep cry and I could feel you pleading, It’s only in this lonely solitude that I can feel you near! It’s only in this lonely solitude that I can feel you near! It’s only in this lonely solitude that I can feel you near! It’s only in this lonely solitude, It’s only in this lonely solitude… 

The sound resonates with timbre so smooth, intertwined with the slight breeze that penetrates an absolutely perfect atmosphere. It’s this that I want to be so closely with. This essence which is just so impossible to describe, can only be experienced. Intimacy with the universe. All art, or all the beauty within, is taken from something so simply perfect that it’s nearly silent. I just want to close my eyes and become ever so closer to this, which I can’t describe, but I will try to forever, one attempt after the other.

I find it an odd coincidence that I came up here from outside to write this morning with three words on my mind: wind. resonance and intimacy. Then, later reading this horoscope:

July 17 – Weekly Horoscope – Control Freak – In a scene on the HBO TV show “Six Feet Under,” George told Ruth about a house he’d owned in New England. Built over a stream, it had originally been a mill, though the wheel and grinding stones had been removed decades before. After he’d lived there for a while, George decided to put a new floor in the kitchen. He ripped out the old surface, then tore up the first wooden plank of the foundation below. There, just two feet below him, was the stream — alive, sparkling, thrilling. He had known about it all along, but at that moment he actually saw it flowing beneath his house. I predict you will have a similar breakthrough in the coming week, Cancer. You will commune intimately with a source of magic you have had only indirect or imaginative contact with.