Artists speak to the wind and only have faith that some is listening. So it makes sense that we create on canvases that the World may never see. Our hearts get buried in overwhelming amounts of music and books. So much is left at the bottom of the crate, never heard or understood. We’re all just overwhelmed today and ready to shut off our brains. Too much is thrown directly in our faces, that we have no space to search for ourselves.

Last night, my heart had seen a light through a slit in the ether and my subconscious is warning me that I might have run out of choices. For once in my life, I feel like I’m in all the wrong places. I’ve departed from the illusion that’s guided me, which had given me goosebumps across my skin for years. Now there’s something, dragging me down. It steps on my chest at night and pins me down, tells me I can’t go anywhere because it wants to take control. A black soul lingers at the bottom of the staircase, so I’m thinking of escape, out the window, behind the house tonight.

There comes a point when ones input far exceeds the output, and the mind meanders in fields of unexamined thoughts. All channels have been clogged, like a valve has been shut off and a drought has begun, but in reality, so many thoughts are trying to break through, that they’re flooding out at infinite speed in the wrong direction, too unfocused to flow through such a narrow pipe.

and with sympathy, I know what it feels like to be one of those lost molecules. Each one is a thought, or feeling. An experience I’ve had in a moment of my life. Things I’ve only dreamed and others I wish I’ve had the opportunity to experience.

I apologize for how badly written this is, but sometimes my emotions can only express themselves when the lines are entirely flawed.

Is this how it feels?
There aren’t even words…
No place to begin….
The heartache that I feel,
knowing you see the World so bleak.
and knowing that I’ve lost my place,
I’ve finally stumbled and have fell.
But, who the hell am I? …

It hurts me to see you like this,
to know the thoughts that have run through your head…
To see a soul, crushing under the weight of the World…
I want to save you,
but I too am lost..
and I am sorry!
I’ve never mustered up the courage,
and that’s why I’ve lost my will.

but, you are my eyes,
and I am the body they’re perched upon.
You are the muse,
and I am the courier that must release the storm.
My thoughts are incomplete,
more of a feeling than having any meaning.
but please,
wake up for me…
Open your eyes.
See what’s sacrosanct.
The crushing weight isn’t worth retaining,
although I know it’s so familiar.
Your souls been left throughout a drought,
but the dreary daffodils will return to life with care.
If my tears will wet the soil enough,
i’ll pray that it rains down until the void is filled.
because we are the only thing that ever made sense.

I hadn’t previous realized the potential of Podcasts, but lately I’ve decided to start sifting through what iTunes has to offer. I’m finding a lot of valuable content. Here are my current favorites:

1. The Accidental Creative
   http://www.accidentalcreative.com

   It is the age of creativity and “cover bands” don’t change the world. You MUST find your unique voice if you are going to thrive in the create-on-demand world. At Accidental Creative, we are “freedom fighters for the creative class.” In these podcasts we address real-life issues for creative professionals.

   Besides this free podcast, the Accidental Creative also offers a premium service subscription with 3 or more podcasts per month and access to their entire back catalog of 100+ podcasts.

2. The Business Side of Music
   http://thebusinesssideofmusic.libsyn.com/              

   This is a monthly podcast series geared towards empowering all musicians to understand the music business from the ground up.

3. APM Film & TV Music
   http://pressroom.apmmusic.com/pr/apm/info/APM-Film-and-TV-Music-Podcast.asp

   All about composing and licensing library music for use in film, television, trailers, promos, video games, new media, radio and more. Sponsered by APM, a premier provider of production music services.

4. Pandora Presents… the Musicology Show
   http://blog.pandora.com/podcast/

   If you’ve never heard of Pandora, it’s a great service to expose you to new music. It plays simular material based on a band or artist you like, with the connections having been analyzed by real people. If you haven’t tried it out, you can now, at www.pandora.com. The Musicology Show is an excellent Podcast presented by Pandora.

   Musicology presents ten-minute insights into music writing, performance, and production. Pandora’s host Kevin Seal and his guests perform live in the studio to show how they write and record their songs.

   “Ever wonder how a band creates its unique ‘sound’, or what makes a particular song so distinctive?”

   “As we spend our days dissecting tracks for the Music Genome Project, it occurs to us that most people don’t get to hear songs before they’re finished. We thought it might be interesting for folks to learn more about what goes into songwriting. This show is our attempt to give you an inside look at the techniques musicians use to put their signature on the music they write and perform.”

5. Music Business Radio
   http://www.musicbusinessradio.com/

   Music Business Radio is a syndicated, weekly, one-hour specialty program spotlighting the inside workings of the music business.

   The show is hosted by music marketing expert, consultant, and author, David Hooper, and features interviews with various industry professionals giving the listener their insight and expertise into the business. Our wide-ranging guest list include Grammy Award winning producers, artists, musicians, and songwriters…as well as, record executives, promoters and artist managers.

   Un-predictable and un-scripted, informative, and always entertaining! A “must listen to” for anyone interested in music. That’s how audiences are describing Music Business Radio.

What are some of your current favorite podcasts for informative content?
I’m interested, let me know. :)
Thanks.

My heart’s been thrown to the dustbins, 
waiting for the days to begin.
I’m sick of trying to understand
a life that’s been so hard to withstand.

Each step seems like it’s headed uphill,
but I can no longer stand to be still.
The days pass away like seconds to a year,
nothings left inside, but tears…
and
Lonely shadows, hidden in silence,
with nothing left in their defense.
I can’t lie in this river, drowning,
or wake up again, with my heart pounding.

I feel my cells depart,
waiting for this life to start. 

Show me the meaning of infinity,
as I suffer through my inability
to see past the days
when my heart was first set ablaze,

It’s been a thousand years
since music’s filled the atmosphere.
All my yearning is incomplete,
as days go by, they’re bittersweet.

Too many ideas, left in my head,
Too many words, left unsaid.
Destiny’s been leaving me behind,
with my sight fading, until I’m blind.

The life of people like me,
goes on, until it’s taken by insanity.
we’re just searching for truth.
Yearning for youth.

My own thoughts these days sometime feel as if they are the great mystery of the universe. Something I’ll never understand. Sometimes I live so deep within my own head, that when I take a break to just linger, the World feels like it’s spinning around me. Sometimes hazy. I’m standing 3 ft. beside myself, looking at myself and wondering, who is this person? Where am I? Everything is out of place.. The truth, that we’re carbon based DNA on a floating rock, although incomparable to most peoples ideals of reality, is much easier to understand than the structure of society we’ve chosen to surround ourselves with.

Everything I’m directed towards, sprawls out and upward like the branches of a tree. My path, too ubiquitous for my own good. It feels as though I’ll never be sated, until I can reach out across those branches and hold every single one them in a single grasp.

I’ve been writing code for almost four days straight for Octava. I feel like my brain should have grown 10-sizes larger in the last week. I also feel like just kicking back and watching some movies, to numb my mind and just relax for a bit.

I have iTunes open at the moment and I’m listening through my Top 25 Most Played. :) I’d highly suggest the album KiloWatts & Vanek – Focus & Flow, if you haven’t heard it. You can get it through their website. There should be more electronic music like this in the World.

Sorry I’ve been gone for so long. I promise to write.

817

Let me know what you think. Thanks. :)

This year, I’ve vowed to myself to be more organized. I have a short term list and a routine. But like so many times before, I don’t want to get stuck in a hole. I’m trying to balance things out with the little enjoyments and curiosities in life. I’ve been becoming frustrated with music and I don’t want to lose the joy. Frustration is unhealthy and it means that something is wrong. I feel like my creativity has gone down the hole, or like the right side of my brain has just shut off and nothing feels new anymore. Everything feels tried, tested and old. I wrote a small bit of lyrics today and pieced a few pieces of music together. I was going to share it, but I figure I need to hold onto it until it can become something more. I feel like I’m on a slow road to recovery. I’ve got to get into the ebb and flow.

Instead, I made a pencil drawing tonight to share. I wanted to be an artist when I was a little kid, but I haven’t drawn hardly anything at all since I was in school. I want to do small creative things like this from day to day…

814