I have a billion things running through my head and I can’t sleep. There’s just no relief from the constant, becoming maddening stream. I’m thinking about all the shit between me and Corby, which is also making me think of the bottled up shit I had about Brandun and how I ended up disassociating myself from him, which I’m starting to think might not have been a good idea. I mean, I knew the guy in Jr. High and he looked me back up and took the effort to become my friend again. I can’t say that he did it because he wanted to get something out of me. He must have at least admired me in some sort of way to keep hanging around me. I know I do a lot of things wrong, in fact I see a million things that I’m doing wrong. Lately, I want to become a better person. I’ve always wanted to be one.

One of the reasons I got this laptop was so that I could do some DJ sets. I kind of did have fun when I DJ-ed at Brandun’s club night and I was looking forward to playing gigs with a laptop. I took away that opportunity, which I’d been planning for. It’s just Brandun seems he has to be better and loves to compete. I don’t want to be in competition with my friends. Life is not a competition and neither is art. I don’t think so. Art isn’t some intellectual thing either, to be picked apart. We must create what we create and it comes direct from self-expression. Some of us don’t have truer emotions than another person. Every emotion we feel is true, just some of us are better able to express them with the amount of time we’re given to reflect on them.

Given the time we’re given, we shouldn’t feel jealous or envious of each other. I don’t know why some people go through great lengths to impress other people. It’s better to influence people, and the only way we’ll do that is through caring about what other people are doing, or what they are into. We can start out by listening, not by rambling on about what we see, what interests us and so on. We can’t influence other people by rambling off and not being concerned at all what other people go through. Friends should care about these sorts of things. I hope that with what’s happened, Brandun’s given some thought to it. I hope that he knows he’s hurt me and that he shouldn’t have. He shouldn’t use me for his own sake and refuse to give me credit for things I’ve done. Both him and I need to grow up, at least in one way. We need to have second plans. We need to have steady jobs while we do the crazy uncertain stuff. He needs to stop being a teenager, drinking and parting all the time. I need to get a job. I need to get my own place soon and be able to support myself. I need to get my music heard. I need to send out the packets in the mail with CD’s and information in them out. I need to go to college and get into something, master in something. I need to draw, I need to write. I need to buy a car and drive all over the place! I need to do all of these things! I need to have a job so I have money so me and Mandy can go out; so I can pay gas’ so I can fix up my studio and get the things I need. I need to meet people, I need to expose my music to people. I need industry contacts. I need to finish my website.

There’s not one day that I should ease up, because I have a long list of things I need to do. I should be living my life, doing at least one impossible thing per day. Taking myself out of my comfort zone, taking myself into the unknown. Do something I’ve never done before. I must grow, learn to leave this place I’ve planted. I must grow wings to fly away, never to come back again. Nothing more to hold on to, I must move on. I must be reborn, because years have past and I’m still in the same place. I have to play catch-up. The one great thing is that we can always do that; we can always move forward. Just some of us can accept it, while others are too afraid of it. It’s something we should embrace. Freedom is a scary thought, when you’ve been locked up for so long. Just look at my cat! What have I done? She wants to be out, but when she is, she hides in a corner, but she will slowly come out of the shadows, slowly she’ll come out, but surely she will when she has the chance.

This is it, my acceptance and understanding speech. So much more is awaiting me. Though my heart will beat in fear. I know each frightful beat will turn to ease as each day passes. Each day I will become more like myself.