Aequanimus 3 (3)

Lyrics posted on Aug 8th, 2003.

Mandy came out because she was picking up some bread for her grandma and also to go get something to eat, so she came and got me and I went with her and then we went to Gateway and we got something to eat in the food court. She got pizza from S’barro and I ended up getting 2 Hot & Spicy McChicken sandwiches. I ate her pizza crust cuz she doesn’t like it. She also got a Lemonade which I kept on stealing sips of. haha.

It was good to see her, I’m so funny though, I didn’t want her to go, even though I knew she was only coming out for a little bit. I just want to grab her right now and kiss her and hug her. It’s nuts? That’s what I want to do right now, but it’s 3 in the morning, (actually Nov 21st) and she’s nowhere around, because she’s at home, asleep. So I’m just going to go to bed here soon.

I don’t like that I keep making her feel bad because I get upset easy because she likes to pick on me and I’m too damn moody. lol. Now she feels like every thing’s her fault and I don’t want her to feel like that. It was good to see her today, I thought she looked pretty good. I like her new hair, I saw her new pants too, I thought she looked hot. heh. She says it’s “all lies!”.. naw.

She said she gets upset when she has no reason at all to get upset, not with just me, but she does it to her dad to and that she should take some time away to figure out why she does it and to sort it all out. I don’t like the thought of spending time away, but I guess she says that would be best and that it would only be for like a week or something sometime. We’re leaving to Vegas probably on Sunday instead of Monday, it really depends on the weather. I looked earlier and it was good Sat, Sun, Mon and Tues. But now I look hours later and it’s saying it’s snowing Sat, Mon and Tues and the rest of the week. It only looks good on Sunday.. We’ll look Saturday and determine when we should be leaving..

I got woke up at 9am today to go help pick up a wood lathe my mum bought for my dad, my cousin Shirley was holding it until we got there because they were selling out as fast as they’d get in. Matt came over today and we worked on music. We did our jamming-session together thing like we’ve been doing for a while to come up with music ideas. I know we’d do a lot better if we had more time to see musical ideas come together in their entirety.

Today I asked Corby, the other original member of the Underground Bass Masters if he was interested in starting up UBM again, although with no deadlines or anything, a project we can take our time on if we need to. But if he has the passion and the drive to want to do it and to come through with it and to also start working on stuff independently from me at home as well, then I think we could do it. But I’m not sure if I could see it through as a project on my own.. He seems interested, but he’s going to think about it and give me an answer..

And UBM would be Bass Music… for the bass heads! I can’t deny the fact that I still get big time chills listening to a few of the bass albums that inspired me to do this in the first place. lol. I know there’s more to be done with the genre that I’d like to see come through.

My whole thing about music was about pulling and spreading the genre into new perspectives, or every genre of music I encountered afterwards for that matter.. To become as eclectic as I could..

Once you’ve seen things from a lot of different angles and perspectives, suddenly the thing you look back on is seen in a much clearer view or picture.. Suddenly you understand the point of something a lot more, when I say we’re going to, “make a bass album”. I have a pretty clear picture of what I mean by that. Suddenly that limiting factor becomes art in itself, of simplicity and understanding. I have so many nostalgic emotions that come along with my inspirations and all the aspirations I originally had about creating music in the first place come back to life. It’s something very powerful… when I think about it.

It was really kule talking to Mandy on the phone tonight, it seems like we talked about a ton of shit, until she finally passed out on the phone and I couldn’t revive her. HEHE

I wake up today on the couch in the back room. My entire head hurts. I’m sweating under the blankets. This sickness sucks and I really need to start getting better.. ahh!! Mandy comes in and wakes me up around 10 in the morning? She says she loves me and kisses me and brings me back some Theraflu, God bless her. HEH. A cough drop has just been sitting in my mouth and not dissolving for a couple hours. So I get up and go blow my nose and I start feeling better as I can breath 10 times better and my head isn’t under as insane of pressure.

I talked to Mandy’s dad for a while about internet and then about building computers. They’re going to come out later in the day to see if they can install wireless internet service at their place. Mandy and Me leave, we had to go fax something for her dad and bring it back. Her dad wants us to stop by Overstock.com. We go and see her Grandma to look for the address through the phone book. She asked if we were already leaving to go to Vegas, we’re like, no, not until next week.

Afterwards, a cop is in our way and I go knocking on his window asking how long he’ll be. He pulled forward after we were just thinking about walking to Subway. So we drove to Subway to get me some food, Mandy ate cereal earlier, so she’s not really hungry. Mandy was on the phone with her mum, I guess she found out the Montel people couldn’t book plan tickets for less than $1,800 a piece, so they postponed the show until sometime in January. Which Mandy is relieved because that gives her more time to prepare and isn’t so short-notice.

So we drive into town and go to Trolley Square, there use to be a really good Salon in there I guess, Mandy says. But we look around on the Map board and find there’s only one and it’s in a different place. So we walk down there and they won’t take any walk-in appointments. They tell us about another salon across the street somewhere. We went outside and neither of us remembered exactly what he said anyway, so we left and went to X-Salon on Forth South. We walked in and arranged an appointment for 3pm for her hair. She got her eyebrows done too while we were there. I sat and waited in the lobby reading City Weekly. We left after and went back to my house to pick up my shirt that I needed to return, because Mandy wants to go to Gateway to get some clothes from Wet Seal which is right next to PacSun, where I need to go.

So I take my shirt back, I had enough money now to get 2 shirts and get 1 free, but I couldn’t find 3 good shirts, so I just replaced the blue Hurley shirt I had with a red Quicksilver shirt I was looking at the other day and paid the difference, about $3. We went and Mandy got a piece of pizza and a soda from S’barro. I decided to try a lemonade from Hot Dog on a Stick/Musclebeach Lemonade. They had lemon/lime and lemon/cherry too. Maybe I should have tried one of the others. It was a little strong/sour.

We went back to the salon and I wait for Mandy for 2hrs. I think her new hair looks kule! We were going to go to Overstock.com and didn’t know how to get there, she called her dad and he said never mind. So she headed to take me home. She almost ran over a pedestrian who started walking out in the street and I told her that he actually had the right away though and we got in a little bit of a stubborn argument against each other. I mean, I felt slightly annoyed but I pretty much just put it off as being more playful or something. I didn’t really mean it, but she got upset at me and when we got back to my house I took my seat-belt off and sat and looked at her. She’s like, “Well, you’re here.”. I pulled her over and gave her a kiss, she kissed me back but she pulled back away and I knew she was irritated at me. I told her I loved her and to drive safe and stuff and that I’d talk to her later. I said I love her again, then I got out of the car and she took off driving pretty fast.

I talked to her on-line for a minute and she didn’t really want to talk back to me when she was at the Library.

Later I called her and I told her I was “sorry for telling her she was wrong.” She said I didn’t need to be sorry, that I was right and she was wrong. Like she does everything wrong all the time. I said that I didn’t mean to make her upset. I’m like I don’t want you to think that, that she’s always the one that’s wrong. She’s like, “You’re perfect.”. I was like, “No, I’m not!”. And sometimes I get like that, I get stubborn when I know something or think that something is right. It was just both of our stubbornness against each other. Just I took it as something more playful in the ending. She got upset, she said normally it would have just been a minor irritation and she would have got over it, but for some reason, it turned out to be more. I guess she saw Critter at the library and they hung out. She told me Critter had made fun of my name or something and she kicked him in the back or something. lol. Anyway, every thing’s fine. I love Mandy. I hope I get over this sickness.. pronto.

Looks like it’s going to snow and shit, but when we’re leaving to Vegas, it actually looks like the weather will be good. Let’s hope so! Matt’s coming over to work on music in the studio tomorrow. So I need to get to bed.

Mandy got on the computer at the library and we were talking on-line for a while, she was there waiting for her dad or something, she was going over to Sizzler to eat and then she was going to come over to see me later.

We went to Gateway and Mandy ripped the page with the girl from the Distillers hair out of a magazine, crumbled it up and put it in my pocket. We went over to PacSun and I bought a couple shirts, I finally got a dark coloured baseball T like I wanted. I bought us a 1/4lb. deluxe cheese burger with a root beer from A&W, since we’ve never tried it and we had a 2 for 1 coupon in the Re?? book. It was a pretty good hamburger. It had good meat in it compared to most fast food joints. lol.

Mandy heard that Montel Williams is interested in her story. Her mum called her and let her know about it and said they’re going to try to book flights for this Tuesday, which is hardly any notice at all.. Mandy wanted to take me home with her because if she goes she wouldn’t see me until after Thursday. We went to Smith’s to get some hair dye for me. I had been thinking of dyeing my hair a dark burgundy colour.. Anyway, when we were in the store she was saying they have better colours at Wal-Mart, and we could just go there if I come home with her. So I said sure, I don’t think I’ll feel any worse no matter where I’m at, I’ll still feel sick. But I felt good enough to go, so we went to my house and I shut my computer off and I tried one of my shirts on really fast, I found out it was a Medium and it was suppose to be a Large. Bastards. The shirts too small, the one I didn’t try on. Because I tried on a Medium, I figured the Large would fit, but it wasn’t really a Large.. ugh. I’ll have to return the shirt tomorrow, hopefully they’ll take it back because it was on the discount rack.

Anyway, I grabbed my medicine and shoved it in my jacket pocket and we left for Tooele. We stopped at Wal-Mart on the way. Critter called Mandy on the phone as we were going into the parking lot. We got the hair dye (Dark Burgundy) and she got a couple bags of cotton candy. When we got to her house Mandy died my hair. Mandy kept trying to call her dad all throughout the day, she finally got a hold of him and said he’d pay for her hair and to have her ask her mom if she’d pay for a new outfit. Anyway, her mum wouldn’t. I kiss her goodnight, fix some Theraflu, go back in there and kiss her goodnight again. lol, and I wander in the back room to sleep on the couch.

I lay in bed. I woke up around 9:20 thinking Mandy must have slept in or wondering what might have happened, that she should probably be here by now. Falling back to sleep.. Mandy came in around 10am. Her alarm didn’t quite wake her as planned, so she woke up later than she had planned.

Every time I lay next to her, I’m able to sleep a little easier. We slept until around 4pm, then I opened up the blinds and I’m like.. we should get up! lol. Trying to get Mandy up.

We went and got some food from Del Taco. Yes, her favourite place. lol. We used one of the coupons out of her book. She got Macho Nachos and a second one free. sm green-Burrito and a drink.

Mandy got this book for us so that we can figure out things to do together with a lot of coupons in it that give you 2 for the price of 1 on a lot of things, it’s pretty awesome. It’s got all kinds of different things around Utah. Things weren’t so right off the beginning half of the day. Maybe it’s just my over-responsiveness to small things like, you’re an ass hole. But I was called an ass hole because I was talking about all the miniature golf places probably being as far away as one Mandy was reading off to me. Then she’s like, well, I’m the one that has to drive, not you. Which made me feel bad. I didn’t mean to be an “ass hole”. Then she was like “I don’t like you. I don’t want to talk to an ass hole. I’m on my daytime minutes anyway, I’ve got to go.” eh, I was like “Bye.” and then went off upstairs crying. She was going to meet her dad and go to a show later.. So after a while, after writing this into my ramblings page:

For what reason would anybody ever love me? I thought I was maybe at least some kind of a kind and caring person, but when I don’t even mean it, I end up coming off as mean or whatever else. Just because of the way I am. Me, just being my true self. I come off as being a whole lot of bad things, which I guess maybe I am.. I guess maybe nobody will really ever understand who I am, because this happens when I totally have no bad intentions. I can’t see how someone could love me forever. Maybe temporary before they grow bored of me. I just want to hold you and tell you I love you. Keep you close to me and not let you go. I just want to call you to tell you that I love you. That’s not life, I know. You put yourself out there so much for me and you make me happy, but I’m just an ass hole. I thought I can make you happy too, but I’m just expecting one day to hear how big of an ass hole I am. Maybe I’m just way overly-sensitive. Another reason why someone probably couldn’t love me forever. Who in their right mind wants to fall in love with a big ass hole, I’m sure there are much better things out there in the World.

..she calls me on her way into town and shows up at my house. I wasn’t actually expecting she’d actually show up today. I actually ended up letting her read my ramblings because she had known I was upset at what she said. Her dad called. We went to Mimi’s restaurant to meet with her dad. I’ve never been there. Things are like tense between us the whole time, it was really shitty. We sat in the car a while before her dad was ready to meet us and we go in acting as if nothing at all is wrong, except normally I think I would have been a little bit closer to her. But well, we looked like normal people at least. I got Fettuccine Alfredo with some kind of sauce and Clam-Chowder and she got French-Onion Soup. They give you some bread and cake (banana or whatever bread?) with it. Her dad was looking at PDA’s at Best buy and thinking about getting one and looking at a couple brochures he had, which was one of the topics of conversation. Mandy wasn’t really expecting that her dad had wanted to eat. I felt kind of guilty as if I should have paid him back for my meal, but I didn’t have any money.

Once we got back out to the car, Mandy was like, “I still don’t like you, I was just pretending so my dad didn’t know.”. I’m like.. “I’m sorry if I’m such an ass hole. I didn’t really mean to be one.”.. “I hate this.. I love you.. but I hate, THIS!” I guess I give her some puppy-dog kind of look that started making her feel bad. She’s like, “I can’t even hate you..”. I’ve heard that before. haha. I don’t want her to feel like she’s always the bad guy in situations though, which is what I’m making her feel like. I don’t mean that.. But I don’t think I really understood why she was so mad at me in the first place.

We get back to the house. We’re walking towards my house. I still feel tense about the whole thing, we walk half way up the lawn. As we walked up the first half, I noticed how we were away from each other, thinking about all the times we’ve walked up this lawn in each others arms or at least holding each others hands. I didn’t like this.. She grabbed me and pulled me towards her and told me she’s sorry and she told me how much she loves me. We’re laying on my bed. I went to the bathroom first before going in there where she’s laying.. I could tell something and I was like, “You’re just frustrated about things, aren’t you? I mean, just in general, aren’t you?”

We stopped by Phillips 66 and she got a fountain drink. Oh, first time she’s been there. lol. Such a memory in my life.. haha. As I use to get 2 44oz. fountain drinks a day probably from there. It was a big thing for me and Corby, me and Matt.. or me and Brandon Aspiazu or my other friends from high school. lol. But well, shit, I don’t drink soda like that any more and I’m in a lot better shape because of it.. But I got a strawberry Gatorade.

She asked me if I’m going to end up hurting her someday for some reason. I’m like, “I don’t know.”. She’s like, “Why can’t you just say?” I’m like, “I would never intend to hurt you.”… “I don’t know, what if I hurt you unintentionally?”. I let Mandy know one of the biggest fears that I have, I mean maybe we shouldn’t base everything on experience. lol. But sometimes I worry when I call her. That I’ll call her just to say that I miss her or that I love her and eventually one day I’ll sit there in silence, not knowing what to say.. As I called for no other reason than to say those things to her.. Then.. me having called her only starts to annoy her.. and the happiness she once felt from me would be wore out and faded. That she would have realized every fault I saw or made-believe of myself is true. She told me something I really needed to hear. She told me how truly happy she is, every time she sees ‘Crabby’ run across her caller-ID. That I’m the only person she hopes or actually anticipates rolling across her Caller-ID and that I’m pretty much her happiness and her sanity in Utah. If only I could realize how much she loves me. Then suddenly I realized something else, in that after all the bullshit me and Jessica endured, she’s still there as a friend. A friend who ensured me on her own that I am I great guy and the whole reason it didn’t work out is distance and that it was just impossible.

Mandy stayed until around 4am. She’s home and calls me around 4:57am. I gave her my key before she left so that she could come back in the morning. I went to bed a little bit after, after ripping a couple more CDs for my mom for Betty and downloading some stuff off Usenet.

I woke up with a sore throat, I was sleeping good on the couch though. We moved into Mandy’s room around 8. Her beds kind of hard though, the couch is actually a lot softer. heh. My sore throat started bugging me pretty bad, I had to get up and drink a big glass of water. Mandy ended up telling me she had some medicine for sore throat which was Flu & Sore Throat. I drank about half of it and my sore throat was totally gone, it started clearing up my sinuses and stuff quickly too.

We went to the post office to mail a letter from her dad to her brother. Afterwards she went looking for an indie hamburger joint her dad was telling her about. We drove a ways out of the way and came back and finally found it. She got a mushroom burger, I didn’t end up getting anything. But I tasted a bite of her mushroom burger and it was pretty good. I remember when the bag was in the car, I’m like.. hmm.. that smells like a Swifty’s hamburger. That’s also the only place I’ve had a mushroom burger from, but I mean, not because it had mushrooms, because it smelled like a double cheeseburger did. Swifty’s is a place that use to be by my house on 4th South. It was a kule place. Me and Corby use to go there all the time and get what we called a “357″, because the price came to $3.57. Double cheeseburger, large fries and fry sauce. Complemented perfecting with a 44oz. Coke from Phillips 66. Anyway, memories were on that smell. It was actually a lot different though. I had her take me to Wendy’s and I got 2 99cent Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers.

We got back to her place, I grabbed her guitar as she goes over and starts colouring in her book. I played it for a couple seconds and set it on the couch. She talked me into sorting her crayon set so that the colours fade. lol. So I got at it as she coloured. Afterwards I started colouring some more. I think I did two more pages, this time I did the pages to the right side and she did the page to the left side. She made a orange and yellow or something radioactive puke dog on one of them. LOL. It’s all good, it was only an experiment gone wrong. LOL. We laid on the couch for a little bit afterwards and kissed, I was playing her guitar too sometime in between. She said we had to leave, I had a feeling she was upset with me because of how I had acted on the couch.. I also felt bad about it and didn’t expect to be leaving so soon. We were driving in pretty much silence on the way home. She got some cash out of the ATM for her dad. She did ask if I wanted something to eat. I was like, “I’m fine..” I didn’t really like her silence, I asked her if something was wrong, as I’d push her hair back so I could see her face. She just responded, “No.”. I was like, “Are you sure?”. She’s like, “Yeah”. I was like, “umm, okay..”. She had to go out with her dad to find this place after she drops me off. She has to go to court tomorrow in the morning for a speeding and no front license plate ticket she got, which is like a 2hr. drive from her. We stopped to get some gas, she got a huge cookie. She wanted Del Taco and asked if I wanted to drive with her there or not. I said I would, that there wasn’t anything else really more important for me to be doing.

She kept saying little things to me that made me feel kind of dumb, so I just wanted to keep my mouth shut. I really hate this and it makes me feel further apart from someone and like they don’t understand me or anything. I dumped my burrito down the side between the door and the seat as I was trying to hand her her stuff.. It didn’t fall out of the bag though, but I think I did it because I was a little frustrated.. Chris, Molly’s B/F calls her on the way home and she asks me to answer it. So I’m talking to Chris, Mandy thought it was her dad. I’m like, “It’s Chris!”. She’s like.. “tell him I’m driving.”, So I’m like, “She’s driving and eating at the same time and about to crash into shit.”. I’m like, “She’ll call you back.”. Because that’s what she tells me to tell him. He’s like, “Okay, then..” Mandy’s like, wait, who is that? Because she thought I was telling her dad these things. So I give the phone to her. Mandy’s saying something that I’m acting like a retard to him, which makes me feel great. Anyway, she talks to him for a while until she realized she’s on daytime minutes. I was actually thinking of just getting out of the car and walking off, but I sat there and waited to say bye and stuff. I ended up letting her know like what I’ve thought this whole time and the way I’ve been perceiving everything..

I burnt Mandy a Marilyn Manson CD she’s wanted.

Me and Mandy went down to Gateway after debating between that or a show, we finally parked in the parking garage on the south side of the place. It was a good feeling, walking around and holding her again. We went and played Air hokey, this time she just whooped my ass like 4 times or something. So much for my air hokey days, I guess I’m starting to suck. lol.

It was cold and Mandy didn’t have anything warm, so I insisted she wear my sweat-shirt but she wouldn’t. I saw they have high-heel Converse, lol. So weird. We hung around Barns & Nobles for a while, I bought us a Caramel Frappuccino. I have to get those when I’m there now. Good shit. I saw some new software synths/plugins in Keyboard Magazine or maybe it was Electronic Musician? Went through the music store afterwards, I saw they had a DM Records CD in the electronic music section, so if my CD’s were still in print, they would have been there. Kind of sucks. Oh well..

Anyway, I made Mandy wear my jacket, I put it on her and forced it upon her. LOL. We were in the car in front of my house and it didn’t seem like we had got to see each other long enough so she called her dad to ask if I could spend the night, he said I could as long as I slept on the couch.

So we went out, stopped at Wal-Mart for some things. Mandy got some colouring-books and a box of 200 crayons and we were looking through all the kids stuff and shit. We got a couple little pies too. She got a Blueberry, I got a nice fattening Pecan Pie. I got a #1 super-sized combo from McDonald’s, with a freakin’ 44oz. blue Power Aid.

Anyway, like little kids we ended up colouring in her colouring-book together, which was actually pretty kule. LOL. It was really good spending time with her and playing around on the couch. When we went to bed, I went to bed on the couch in her back room. She slept on the floor, although I insisted she lay on the couch and I lay on the floor if she was gonna do that, she said no.. I guess I should have thrown her on the couch anyway..

Mandy met a friend at the library today, who came up to her. So obviously he liked her as he came up to her with a pick-up line. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”. Which she laughed and said was pretty lame. He’s like, oh.. I’m just going to give up on that. lol. She said she had a boyfriend, so he was, oh, maybe I should go. Mandy was like, why? That doesn’t mean we can’t be friends. And he thought her dad would kill him or something because he was older than her, for some reason. lol.

I know I shouldn’t feel jealous or anything, but when she first told me it was just that instant gut reaction feeling of my heart sinking to the ground. I didn’t want to say anything because I should know better, and I should know better than this. Most of her friends are guys and she doesn’t really like girls and thinks most of them are evil. Maybe it’s just the fact that this guys first intention was to hit on her. I don’t know. lol. She has to meet friends around here. I really hate ever having any kind of feelings of jealousy ever. It’s one of the worst feelings there are.. She says she might hang out with him tomorrow.

I’m just stupid and I really miss Mandy right now. I love her a lot and I’m lucky to have her. She’s made me happy since the moment I met her. (and I mean just talking to her, before I actually met her) It will rock when we can spend time together when we take our trip down to Las Vegas. I’ve got to buy her something bigger than that little bear for her to squeeze when she goes to bed. It’s so cute that she does. She stole my jacket a while back and one of my shirts and she’d go to sleep in them. hehe. It’s kule. We’ll have each other in Vegas.

It’s funny how your outlook on everything changes over time, how all the negative thinking or the over-critical rules you lay on top of yourself can get to you over time. How you can lose the passion for music that you once had. Not entirely, that would never happen, but I’ve become afraid of sending it out to labels and getting it out there into the real World and actually heard in fear of rejection..

Yet, I know how easily and how fast my passion would come back to life, like fucking fire and probably ten-fold what it ever was if I had the chance to get Audesi on a good label and make a living off of my music. For years now my life has been just like movement in still life. Music is a piece of my soul, ingrained in every detail of who I am. I’m a lot better than I’ve ever been and I won’t argue against that, and nobody can. I know there’s so much more for me to do and so much I could do and on top of that a lot more passion just waiting for me as I give the art I’ve kept so private to the World.

Mandy left around 3am the other night, coming back a couple hours later when she could in the morning. LOL. Maybe her dad should just see he should let us spend the night together. hehe. We spent another day together soaking up each other. I wish she just never had to leave. I’m beginning to feel a greater freedom between us and it’s great. I love Mandy. :) I found my stuffed crab Mandy gave to me that I had been missing the last couple days, I found it and set it on my pillow next to me as I fall asleep.