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Brought Mandy over to Brandun’s apt. We took some crazy pics with his web cam..

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I can never see the signs as they come,
The truth is that I wander around blind.
I can’t remember where I’m coming from,
The struggle goes on, but I remain calm.

I’m so tired and ready to fall,
I swore to all end that I’d hold on.
I’ve walked, I’ve ran, I’ve even crawled.
I don’t want to lift my head beyond.

If I could see a little ahead,
The truth is I wouldn’t want to.
I just can’t get it out of my head.
I know there’s something I’ve got to do.

Why can’t I? I can’t seem to let it go.
Why can’t I? Life’s too short to die alone.
Why can’t I? As my body’s getting old.
Why can’t I? As my heart’s growing cold.

My faith is contained in minuet steps,
Holding onto the edge of the impossible.
I’ve tried to commit the idea to death,
but it’s mad to mock the inevitable.

Distance threatened the clear perceptions,
We had as two people in love.
We carelessly believed all the misconceptions..
and never stopped to lift our heads above.

Sole entities, intertwined as one,
Simply misplaced by an absence of time.
I’m left screaming, as I toss and turn,
Waiting for what truth leads me to find.

Why can’t I? I can’t seem to let it go.
Why can’t I? Life’s too short to die alone.
Why can’t I? As my body’s getting old.
Why can’t I? As my heart is growing cold.

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My soul wanders off into the abyss, forever changing and unrecognisable by those long ago. This sweet passion drives me and I’m no longer afraid. What they say is what they believe and it’s all bullshit to me, because my heart wanders free of their prejudice, unshackled from their imprisoning minds.

Then again, I believe as I believe, but I know that I don’t have all the answers, but in my unrestricted curiosity, I have a right of life and the will to learn and to experience it without believing all the naive conceptions revolving around me. Individuals fail to be born, everyday. As each of us are taught not to believe in ourselves and not to contain, maintain, or to show how powerful our ideas really are, or would be, if only given the opportunity, ideas fail to come into light. This conflict imprisons us and stands in the way.

Unfortunately, people believe as they will believe and so they also believe as they’ve miscomprehended, globally and universally. It’s only important to know what’s in my own heart, to know myself and to believe in myself, to be who I want to be and to be doing the things that by my own will and passion, I choose to do, to speak my mind of everything which interests me.

I have no say in who might listen, nor should it matter who they are, but as long as it makes me content in my own heart knowing I have done it, I will continue to do it. I’m not sure if that makes sense or sounds as if it’s a contradiction, but I think following the passion and the drive in your own heart is the only thing that keeps those ideas and goals altruistic and it’s something that can’t be mimicked and should never be silenced or critiqued.

Every time you fall away from being yourself and believing in yourself, you’ll see this World can be jaded, skeptical and critical without knowing it, it’s all in denial of themselves and what they believe is the truth.

Counting Each Second

Sept 15th, 2003

Mandy came out today! :-)

I’ve been missing her. It was awesome staying at her house for the how many days I had. It was good to hang out with her and we took a bunch of pictures today. The bad thing is that it’s starting to get freakin’ cold! Fuck! I hate the cold! ahh! It got colder as the day went on and as it got dark and it’s going to get a lot colder.

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All I really cared is that I got to see Mandy and spend some more time with her. We went up to Sugarhouse park and she had a blanket in the back of her car which was great, we laid down by the pond. Mandy says she goes up there and sits by this tree we sat next to when she’s in town, earlier in the day when I’m not awake.. Damn it, I should start waking up sooner!

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Later we went over to Brandun’s as he had called me earlier on her cell and said to come over later if we wanted to. We took some funny pictures then were thinking of something we could do.. We ended up going to the dollar show in sugarhouse and watched Hollywood Homicide. Afterwards we dropped Brandun off so he could get to bed, because he has to work early the next day.

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Me and Mandy sat and talked for a bit and just spent time with each other. She was really tired, I wanted to let her come in to spend the night. We ended up laying down for a bit in the passenger seat of the car, snuggled together under the blanket we had used earlier that day. She drove home really tired.. I hope that she got home fine and everything. I told her to call me and she didn’t and I tried calling her and I didn’t get any answer. Hopefully she’s in bed, sleeping well and having sweet dreams.

It’s always seemed like I’ve known Mandy for longer than I have. It’s so weird and time is so strange with me and her. It’s like time is no longer a constant thing since I’ve known her. I feel I’ll know her forever.

Off topic: I happened to go to cakewalk.com and I saw there is a new version of Sonar coming out, Sonar 3. It looks a lot kuler, even though I don’t really use it anymore, Cubase SX is a lot better.. So, after this, I decide to look at steinberg.net and I see that there is a new version of Cubase SX coming out.. Cubase SX 2, so that’s pretty bad ass!

:-)

Brandun came over tonight, we talked a bit about, what? Music piracy? and then how it will lead to video piracy and then how it might lead to the downfall of capitalism all together. lol.

Then we watched Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers on the wide-screen, which neither of us had seen yet, so that was kule. But going back before that, Brandun showed up at my house when I was on the phone and I told Mandy I’d call her back. I ended up calling her back and talked to her for over 2 hrs. not wanting to let her go because we’d keep saying bye and just go on talking again, all while Brandun was playing around on the internet upstairs alone. Sorry! lol.

And well, earlier, before all of this, she had started talking about her ex, it was just a couple little funny situations they had together, but I could sense this evil ‘jealousy’ bug inside of me and it made me doubt myself in ways that I do, telling myself she’ll probably get bored of me, or that I.. suck.. lol. Or then in the corner of my mind I start thinking, “what if she still has feelings for him?”. ahh.. These are just fucked up things to ever think about..

But then for some dumb ass reason, I started talking about Jessica and saying the good qualities that I liked about her and the most optimistic rendition of how it didn’t work out and everything. Mandy started getting upset thinking I still have feelings for her because of how it still makes me upset and emotional and shit talking about it. I’m like, I never really had anybody I felt like I could talk to it about, so I just never really did. You should let go of the things that hurt you.

I know it would fuck me up if I lost Mandy. Mandy is the kulest person! I’ve been a different person since I’ve known her. It changed everything and it cleared my mind of all the stupid things that were robbing my own mind from me. I don’t think I’ve really been able to talk to anybody like I can her. I love her and me and Mandy are Real. It’s not to say that me and Jessica were not, but me and Mandy are REAL! I mean, this is different.

I let go of Jessica relationship wise, she gave up on it. It’s over and gone. Anyway, this is why I had to call Mandy back and after I called her back, I was so incredibly happy because we just went off talking about stuff.. whatever, everything.. including shit like music business and going to college and different courses that would help in starting a business or a record label and about promotion and shit. It was awesome. I told her, I really want to see her tomorrow! I miss her! I know Brandun probably sensed something crazy when I came back in the room because I was probably gleaming with happiness by the time I came back upstairs. lmfao.

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