Hemisphere

Mandy

Light Shines Through

It sunk deep down inside of me, the thought of all that could have been. All the dreams I had to share and everything I believed in was lost. Insincerity and confusion marked the end of something I could have held on to forever. I wanted to lock my heart and throw away the key. I wanted to, but I couldn’t.

July 23rd, 2003

Solitude

I took one last look back and a single breath, I felt your heart beating as I took one step ahead. My heart let out a deep cry and I could feel you pleading, It’s only in this lonely solitude that I can feel you near! It’s only in this lonely solitude that I can feel you near! It’s only in this lonely solitude that I can feel you near! It’s only in this lonely solitude, It’s only in this lonely solitude… 

Beat & Variations

Ambience

The sound resonates with timbre so smooth, intertwined with the slight breeze that penetrates an absolutely perfect atmosphere. It’s this that I want to be so closely with. This essence which is just so impossible to describe, can only be experienced. Intimacy with the universe. All art, or all the beauty within, is taken from something so simply perfect that it’s nearly silent. I just want to close my eyes and become ever so closer to this, which I can’t describe, but I will try to forever, one attempt after the other.

I find it an odd coincidence that I came up here from outside to write this morning with three words on my mind: wind. resonance and intimacy. Then, later reading this horoscope:

July 17 - Weekly Horoscope - Control Freak - In a scene on the HBO TV show “Six Feet Under,” George told Ruth about a house he’d owned in New England. Built over a stream, it had originally been a mill, though the wheel and grinding stones had been removed decades before. After he’d lived there for a while, George decided to put a new floor in the kitchen. He ripped out the old surface, then tore up the first wooden plank of the foundation below. There, just two feet below him, was the stream — alive, sparkling, thrilling. He had known about it all along, but at that moment he actually saw it flowing beneath his house. I predict you will have a similar breakthrough in the coming week, Cancer. You will commune intimately with a source of magic you have had only indirect or imaginative contact with.

Sound

People have the right to choose who they wish to keep in their lives, and that’s something that should be respected. People will make those decisions based on whatever the reasons may be. Life goes on. I’m not saying what is right or wrong. Just that there’s no point in me arguing, when I’m on the side where the choice is not my own to make and when I made it perfectly clear that this friendship meant something to me. At least, I hope I did.

It’s really unfortunate how much time I’ve spent trying to prove it and how I still feel an urge to fight for it. I can only guess that I never had the slightest clue what was really wanted either deep inside of you or what I was doing wrong over and over again. Just get your life together because I sense that you haven’t really been happy in a long time. I just want to see and know that you’re happy.

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I actually really miss Mandy and not being able to talk to her tonight.. HEH. But she just got to Utah, so yay! :) :D

I think I’ve realised that I’m not like most people and that I’m not really after the same kinds of things. Call me what you want, but I have to accept that. Criticism is totally meaningless because everybody is after different things in life. I just want different things. Most people just frustrate me and just don’t really understand me. I’m not saying I don’t understand myself. Because I pretty much do, but that’s something that forever changes.

People search for places to belong, people who are somewhat like minded as they are and I’m not sure I’ve ever quite stumbled across such a place. Really feeling a connection with and acceptance from another person seems a rare thing. Maybe I’m after impossible things, but for some reason, given a brief list of choices, I chose love over lust, straight-headedness over absent-mindedness, morals over lack thereof, quality over quantity, creativity over success, personality over appearance, being a poor artist instead of rich and unhappy with how I had gotten that way or over exploiting work I don’t agree with.. One on one over sociability. I don’t like being around people I feel hesitant to speak my mind with. Open-mindedness over close-mindedness. Truth and honesty over boastfulness.

I don’t like to feel as if I’m in competition. I don’t obsess over many material possessions, nor do I really see such things as status.. I’m a very persistent person and I usually fight for things I truly believe in or that I believe are worth it. I usually find the things in life I want. These are either my strengths or my weaknesses, it depends on how you look at it. Some people think that fear stands in my way, but I don’t think that’s true. Sometimes it just isn’t apparent that I really just want something different. I go after what brings ME satisfaction. The same goes for everybody else.

I don’t think I’ve done bad at all, so far. Any talent I have is due from the life that I’ve given it. If anything, I was born with my beliefs which are so much more ingrained in me than talent, because I swear I wasn’t naturally inclined and I’m proud of that fact that I can do that. I could probably change the World if I really tried, if it really meant that much to me. There are many things that I’m after in life and I still swear I haven’t even begun, but I’ve been making progress the whole time. There’s just a whole lot more waiting ahead. The only thing I need is to be more honest with myself and accept the fact that I can be happy with myself by learning to throw away the opinions of others who really don’t understand who I am, the people in my life, or what I’m really after.

Don’t look for it, just who’s willing to receive it.. It exists in who you are.

Personality’s clash, good and bad. Talkative or in silence. People never see a side of you that another person always will. Everybody sees a different person in you, because people are blinded by who they are themselves. What they choose to see, is make believe of their own minds.