I can’t sleep. I don’t think I understand: how I am different; how things are different? Things may seem different because I’m abiding by your rules. It seems too painful to you any other way. And now this wall has been amended and I suppose given definition to the line that seemed to have been beginning to develop. So I hide behind this false blanket, this fake smile, which I have no idea how long I can handle it. There’s a lot more, forbidden to speak freely…. I want to just give in and shout it out and cry out that I need you!!! And not half a year from now face to face, but right now at this very moment! But maybe that will only ease the weight of my own heart. Maybe that’s not the best thing for you. I can’t believe that you might not feel the same way that I do. I don’t believe that you do! What can I do? I don’t want to give up.. and I hope that time wont steal you away, but at the same time, I hope you’re happy, whatever that may mean. What can I do? Other than pretend that I’m okay with this.