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I remember things. I lay on the floor and felt as if was dieing. Anytime I think how I felt. How in love I was. How much it meant to me, and then that it will never be. It’s much worse. How much worse is it going to get? I lay, helpless. It’s unfair.

I’m angry about the current situations in my life. I’ve noticed that today. I have a tendency of shutting certain things out of my life while holding so hard onto the things I think will make me happy. But now, I’m at this point where I really want to get out and do so much, just leave it behind me. I suddenly have this hole… I’m giving up on something I’ve looked forward to greatly because I have a pretty clear picture of how that will go. But I’m left with this hole and there is shit I have to do. I feel… I don’t know how I feel? Sad, angry, lonely, bitter, foolish, ugly, heartbroken, unsuccessful & boring. But why am I blaming myself?? … Maybe because I let myself enter fairyland. Always; no matter; only you; meant to be… don’t you believe me? I did believe and that’s why. I feel as though my heart is being ripped out my throat. and I think I hate you!!!

Push all the feelings aside. Just cover them up, hide them, bury them.. Whatever.. Boohoo.. What the hell is the point of being sad.

It’s funny though, last night before I went to bed I was like completely normal and then all of a sudden I burst out crying out of the middle of nowhere. Then I went into my bedroom and just forgot about everything again. I guess trying to forget about it is the only thing I can do. It’s so retarded. I become obsessive. I let things get ingrained in me.

It’s important I don’t let some things go so far. I need to keep my options completely open to doing the most I possibly can. And I’m talking about everything in my life. Not imaginary relationships or real life or even relationships at all… I must admit, I have to be fucked to think so much of illusionary things. Things that I wish were, but really weren’t.

The only thing I have to talk to is this piece of .html. but.. I mean on another note.. today was for the majority, a pretty good day and I have a lot to be grateful for.

My friends girlfriend started talking to me about how my friend just left and she was so sad she was crying because she missed him and couldn’t get to sleep. I started thinking, what’s she got to be sad about?? She’ll see him tomorrow.. Then she called him on the cell phone. I’m like, see.. he’s right there! and it’s pretty much guaranteed.. but I started crying, thinking the person I care for is thousands of miles away and I don’t even know what’s going to happen. I don’t even know what we are? It will be at least half a year if I ever even have the chance to be with her. But I already feel like I’m being pushed away. 1,700 miles away. :’( It might be the closest I get. I can’t do it on my own!!!!!!!!!!! and I’m beginning to feel foolish to think it could have been and if it could still be. :’( Maybe I’m thriving on lies I wish were truth. ‘Go back to your old ways’ because of someone else, as if I were never even there at all in the first place. It doesn’t make sense anymore.

Here I am again.. at that point of confusion, when I don’t know what to expect or how I should feel.. Maybe I’m just stupid.. Maybe I just don’t believe in anything anymore.. I guess it will never be clear. and it will forever be left as confusion. I need to know.