Matt came over, we just hung out. “What Lies Beyond” is starting to sound really good. I was working on it a bit before he came over. He brought his guitars and stuff, but we didn’t really work on anything at all, we just left the guitars down in the front room and never brought them up into the studio.

Someone I’ve been missing so much lately got mad at me today and it really confused me why as to why she did. She has no idea what that can do to me and how bad that makes me feel. I’ve tried so hard. I just wanted to put my head down and wander away. That’s exactly how I felt.

I got guitar recorded for 3 songs today. Now I need to lay down the bass guitar tracks myself for Breathing and the new acoustic version of Setting Sun. I’m going to convert the closet in here into a recording booth and insulate the walls and shit. It’s actually a pretty big amount of space.

I don’t give a shit anymore. What I mean is I’m not afraid of what happens as long as I get out there and fucking try. Fear has always stood in the way of things for me in one way or the other.. I care more than anything about my dreams and everybody knows how persistent I’ve been in my lifetime. I’m going to do my best and I’m going to live my life the way I want to. I’d rather fail a million times than not have a chance. That’s who I really am. I know now that the time is coming soon and I know we’ll be ready. I can feel it.

I had a really nice dream, I was with a girl most the time.. I can’t really explain it all, but it really left me with a good feeling inside. We were both very happy. It’s like I knew this person closely inside and like she was someone I know right now.. because she did remind me, a lot, of someone I know… but she looked different than anybody I know. I can’t even really explain it. I’ve never seen anybody like the girl in my dream…

Tomorrow is a full day of recording guitar. So I have to get things setup right now. Me and Matt are going to get 3-4 songs done and the demo together and ready to send out.

I weigh about 176lbs. now. My face even looks different. lol. I thought it was suppose to be a pain in the ass to get in shape? At least people make it seem so and I guess most people just figure that and never even really try. or, maybe it’s just will power, I dunno.. If that’s the case, most people must have.. none! lol. But I remember my brother in-law asking me, “Why did you buy a bass guitar? You can’t play it!”. I answered, “How do you think you learn?”.. and I remember people telling me something similar when I first started writing music. I think a lot of people just don’t believe that some things are possible. But I guess when I say I’m going to do something or I really want something, I go for it. I have had my dreams come true in the past and I still have a long way to go and a long process of growing as a person.

I uploaded Arciform to www.mp3.com/ubm, it should be there in a week, if you want to hear it. Also, Dome Spike is up on there right now.

I quit work almost a year ago, so that I could work on the Audesi album and prepare to start playing live shows. Somewhere in the middle, I seem to have been a little distracted from what I was trying to accomplish. But it didn’t matter. I fell madly in love and nothing much seemed to matter as much as that. Things that couldn’t be promised, things you hoped would last forever. “in the mirror, I see the truth, I see you and me together, we’re Free.”…”I was running away from myself, until I saw my reflection, and I noticed, who I saw, was You. and I saw past the petty imperfections.”…”I saw the truth and it scared me, I didn’t believe this could be real.
I didn’t believe that this could be bigger and better than anything else.” But sometimes knowing the truth hurts. You owned my heart. I believed the things you had told me.

I did end up writing some really great songs in the past year and I am going to get things done. I just didn’t get the band together and the shows booked.

I regret that I ended up staying in the city this weekend. Why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t I just forget all the bad feelings.. Drown all my fears away. Forget all my desires.. Forget my heart telling me that maybe I’m thinking all wrong. Forget what my heart has been telling me? Why can’t I forget this hole that’s pierced through my heart.. then maybe it would all go away. But that’s just the problem, it’s taken away from me.. I never wanted it to leave. There’s not much room left for me and all the fears I ever had seem to have been logical and proven. Why does this ail me so much??? Why? Why can’t things just feel the way they use to appear to be. So bright. Why do I keep running towards the door that keeps closing slightly more each day? Why did I believe? Why? I just want to lay on the floor and not get up.. There’s no running away from this. I don’t know what I believe anymore. If I never say another word how I feel again, if I have to bury my soul under a pack of lies that I hand myself, it doesn’t mean I wasn’t in love.

Earlier me and my nephew were listening to some of my music backwards, I don’t really know why. lol. But we both heard these phrases clearly in my song Breathing and it’s kind of freaky: “in all my life I finally realize, every time I see you, I’ve finally found you. and all I want is you.”

Went to the Urban Lounge and hung out, watched Dan drum to a DJ set from Merryl, the gurl that’s the new owner of Mechanized records. He really is a pretty bad ass drummer. He’s all after this chick that I use to go to school with. I swear, she has the biggest fucking tits in the World, it’s unreal. lmfao. I actually remember one of my teachers making faces and staring at them once. That’s fucked. lmfao. or you’re walking down the hall and you walk into the lockers. lol.

Talked to Greg about maybe doing a remix for COSM, which would be put out on vinyl. Oh my God, I think Greg is the guy that use to work at MARS Music that me and Matt were talking to when we went there to buy a distortion pedal before we performed at Millennium. lol. The guy was upset because we stole his gig.. lol. Met some people. This pretty hot chick kept staring at me too and Brandon kept telling me to go dance with her, but I wouldn’t. lol. I wish I wasn’t so reserved. lol.

Had fun, except when we went to leave, the fucking car battery was dead and me and my friend Brandon had to push the fucking truck a block and a half down the street in fucking freezing weather. Couldn’t even fucking breath afterwards, it hurt.. cuz it’s so cold.. I swear, I am SO ready for summer! I kind of miss going out all night and it being so nice out. I hate this shit. and I mean this is pretty lame for Winter time in Utah actually.. We were going to just walk home instead of sitting around waiting for Dan. I might go up to Park City on Wed. again for the hell of it, but this time I’m not doing any work! I’m just gunna chill out and have fun. I should have fucking got up there tonight though and met with BT and gave him the CD I’ve been suppose to be getting to him. My friend Sodie was gunna take me, but her car was fucked up. I was telling myself I’d get the demo done yesterday.. or today, but fuck, I didn’t have any time.. I think it might be kule if I did a drum’n bass track with live drums. I might take up that offer, I got an awesome drummer half a block away from my house and I haven’t written any drum’n bass for so long.

I woke up, startled and like actually jumping out of my bed because of a dream I had in the morning. My heart was racing and I was upset. One of my biggest fears and I swore it was real and that I wasn’t really sleeping for a minute. Then throughout the day, I felt something bad was going to happen and I wasn’t going to want to hear it, so I didn’t really want to be around. :( For some reason, I had the song “Stand By Me”, cycling in my head this morning too? lol.

I have to step back. I think I need to loosen up and stop being so serious about things. Just let things be. Take more chances.. Just have fun. What can make me happy right now? We’re all after different things in life. Whatever happens, happens. That’s life. So just enjoy it and have fun while you can. Live your life, live it! I don’t know if I want to deal with emotional bullshit. You have to realize the things that you can have an effect on and know the things that you have no ability to control. Forget about the things that can’t be changed. Don’t keep yourself in situations that cause you pain. Life’s too short to wait. You’ll never find what you’re looking for. Stop fucking around.

A long vacation to somewhere nice.. and warm.. with some friends sounds good right now. I wanna go swimming or something.

I ran the sound for a live drum’n bass band with an awesome drummer with an acoustic kit up at the Sundance Film Festival. To give me some experience, but it was kinda work, and I think I should have got paid, or at least a free dinner out of it or something man!!! Come on man, Dan said he was gonna buy us all beers or some shit.. I mean, I don’t drink, but he should have bought us something. lol. Danced around like Eminem to Season’s wicky-wicky vocal scratching skills.. lmfao.. and saw a couple celebrities. “Oh my God, Britney Spears!” lmfao. whatever.. Yeah, and I’m walking around with a compressor in my arms. I’m all like, “Hey Britney!!!!!!! here’s a compressor for you! Please, I love you!” lmfao. um, I don’t know.. lol. Kind of stupid having to carry shit like that around. I’m not listening to Brandon anymore, I should have just left it in the studio rack, because they had shit and we didn’t use it anyway. Wendy did need compression on her vocals though, but oh well, she was routed through the DJ all fucked up like anyway.. Went to Tucci’s restaurant, but there was a 45min. wait, so we snuck into a movie, well, basically just.. walked in and sat and laughed for 15 minutes and left.. The food was pretty good at Tucci’s, first time I’ve been there. We drew all over the table with crayons, impersonations of each other, I made Brandon look all Japanese, thin stick figure body and all retarded. He drew me with hair sticking up a mile and round glasses and a round circle nose and fucked up pants and one big giant foot. He drew Season with stick figure body and big giant tits and a turntable.. thing is, it ended up looking like a picture of the waitress, which wasn’t good. lol. Then he adds a big wavy moustache, so then I had to add a goatee. Season was back to kindergarten, drawing houses and trees. BT’s coming up to Park City tomorrow. I think to Scary Hoes? lmfao… “Harry O’s”. It’s funny that the owner is the one that calls it Scary Hoes.. Need to get a hold of that biz-natch. lmfao, blah blah, anyway, whatever..

I wasn’t going to write anything today, I was in bed trying to fall asleep and I had to get back up and start writing..

I don’t understand how people can just put emotions on the back burner to save them for later. Maybe we trick our minds into loving? Maybe we also trick our minds into not loving, like denying the fact that it exists? Then again, maybe once your in love, you’ll always love, even if you took 20 yrs. somewhere out of the middle? If it’s true love. But I worry so much that I will forever love, but the same will never come back to me. A one way road and I’ll be alone or in some shit situation. Maybe love never really exists in the first place, since we’re all based on selfishness? But I do know that love does exist though. But it’s unconditional love. My mother would give anything, including her life to save one of her children. Even the rest of my family, but not like my mom. I have the best mother in the World… But that’s different. I just don’t see how anybody could block out and avoid it, no matter how far away they are. Maybe I would rather be with someone who could love me who isn’t so hot and learn to love them. Fuck! It all seems so trivial… I never chased anybody because I thought they were hot and I never ever felt the way I did and do. Maybe once your heart is broken, you never love again? or at least, the same, again. Questions I have no answer to.

Maybe if you care, it’s best to let go? After all, it’s selfish to try to hold on. If it’s meant to be? It will be. It’s not actually in either of our hands until they’re put together. By myself, I can’t choose and neither can she. It’s two, or none. Maybe that’s where it exists. Just my ramblings of the day…

I just got done writing a 14 minute song called “Arciform”. LOL. Yes, 14 minutes. Why? I don’t know.. I’ve been writing a lot of music lately, just experimenting and playing with new things. I’m really interested in getting deep with my tools right now. I figure I’m going to make a new UBM album out of all of these experiments. I’m thinking of calling the album “Macrocosm”. My day has been engulfed in strange atmospheric breaks.